Being powerless

The word “powerless” came up today. A well suited subject for alcoholics. Most went back to their being powerless over alcohol. I certainly found my reflections on what it was like.

But then a thought came to mind, because I haven’t had a drink in such a long time, that being powerless over alcohol isn’t an immediate peril. Although I’m certainly not cured of my alcoholism. What that thought was I can find in the Third Step prayer every morning to start my day. “Relieve me of the bondage of self”. There it is. Me. I’m powerless over me. My ego.

Quite a few got to the same thought. How, even though we’re not drinking, we’re stuck with ourselves. Our wanting to control things. Our judgments of others. Our anger, resentments, jealousies, and a whole lot more. I definitely suffered from the bondage of alcohol for a long, long time. Now it’s the bondage of myself.

I remember reading a very spiritual man, who said, that no matter how much we work on spirituality we’re not saints. We still suffer from our being human beings. And especially for alcoholics, who suffer from our extreme egos. We’re naturally self centered beyond believability. I know that at one time a very spiritual therapist told me that there was no room on this earth for anyone else, because of the size of my ego. Looking back I can well acknowledge the wisdom of her assessment of me.

I do know that I can find myself getting mixed up with me without warning. That’s because I can go to meetings and be reminded of what I have forgotten and then go home and forget again. My defects take over in a minute. Usually because I get hit by some emotions, which takes over and begins to run my life. Often it’s anger, which can lead to a resentment in a flash.

And there it is. The one thing I need to pay attention to. Getting cut off from the sunlight of the spirit. As I have said many times I need to remember what it was that stunned me early on in my sobriety. My first sponsor and his resentments, plus another fault, taking him back to alcohol and an almost immediate death.

I need to remind myself of what it is that has kept me sober. The Second Step. My Higher Power. Each and everyday I need to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power and continue to try to practice this program. Part of that is paying attention to what I’m doing, what I’m thinking, and how I’m feeling about things. And that’s where I often bring the question of my attitudes into the picture.

I definitely know that if I’m suffering from a negative attitude that I’m in trouble. I have to stop my day, as my sponsor taught me, and start it over. To insert a positive attitude in place of the negative. Often I know I can go to a mirror and look at myself and make a joke out of me. That will often get me laughing at myself and I’m on my way.

However that has to be accompanied by prayer and sometimes taking time out to meditate.
Which is why I stopped and sat down and have taken the time out to think about all of this.

Anyway just stopping to think about staying sober and being grateful for what I have been given.