One of the things I often am forced to laugh about is my ego. However, there are those moments, when it’s really not funny.
How difficult it is to stop and take a realistic look at who and what I am. I am what Dr. Harry Tiebout said needs ego deflation in depth. And the BB discusses this in depth. Something I know I have to go back and examine from time to time. Especially when I find myself getting in my own way. Stumbling over my character defects.
I’ve certainly sat in meetings listening to others, when they describe their trying to control everyone and everything. Like I have often said about the man sitting in the driver’s seat on the bus and discovering that he needs to move to the back of the bus. That’s me.
Of course that was compounded when I came into this program. That’s because despite my age, I hadn’t really grown up. I was just like my sponsor told me. I was immature, insecure, and over sensitive. Good description to say the least. It was in here with the help of my sponsor and many of those old timers that I finally began to grow up a little and begin to mature into adulthood.
And, if nothing else, a lot of these old timers knew exactly what I so desperately needed. And that was to puncture that balloon I call my ego and deflate it. They never hesitated to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. They knew exactly how to humiliate me. They didn’t feel they needed to do it in private. Often it was out in the public, in the open. I can remember so many instances from the past, when I was called out in meetings. Like so many in the crowd I often found me laughing at myself.
And yet I look back and have no complaints for what they did. That’s because it was exactly what I needed. It was the beginning of helping me to learn to get out of my own way. It certainly taught me humility. Definitely not a whole lot, but enough to teach me to get an open mind and an open heart. To listen and learn what I needed in order to put this program into action. And to begin to learn to surrender to my Higher Power and to turn over those things, which had been troubling me for so long. Almost everything, when I think about it. Once again the Serenity Prayer.
I had to learn just how powerless I am over people, places, and things. I had to learn how to back off and keep my mouth shut and not respond to things which were none of my business. Not an easy task for a “know it all”. That’s something I have to remind myself from time to time. It has come to some degree of being in effect. Once in a while I’ll forget and find I’m putting my foot in my mouth and stirring others up. But there’s always that Tenth Step and following the directions of this program. And, of course, the Eleventh.
And all of this relates to my need to stay sober each and everyday. I have to continue to learn how to become something of a “normal” human being and not the self centered jerk I dragged into these rooms. And again that change began, when I finally surrendered to the spiritual life I know I desperately needed in here. I had to learn how to step out of the way and turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power. The Second Step and eventually the Third and the rest of the Steps.
Once again I had to turn “me” into “we” in this program. Especially when I read in the Ninth Step that the spiritual life is not a theory. “We have to live it”. I’m in here with other alcoholics like myself. I can’t stay sober by myself. I’m here to be helped by others and also to help others who need it. That’s being willing to accept the responsibilities of this program. And of course that’s with exactly what I need. The helping hands of others.
When I stop and think about my self centered ego I have to recall something in the BB, which actually happened to me about a year or so into the program. For all that time I really hadn’t thought about a drink and the drinking of others really didn’t bother me. I was actually out to dinner with my wife and her family. Everyone but my mother in law and I weren’t drinking. After we got up from the table we went next door to a package store and the owner we knew offered everyone a drink. They all got their beer and threw me a Coke, which I caught. And that’s when it hit me. Rage! I suddenly wanted a drink so bad that I would have killed anyone who got in my way. And that’s when my wife stepped over and asked me what was wrong and I told her. Then she said for me to step outside and say a prayer. I did and it went away.
What the BB tells us is that there may come a time when we will have no mental defense against that first drink. And that’s what happened. It tells us that no one can actually help us and we need our Higher Power. And that’s exactly what happened. The thought, the desire, went away immediately. As quickly as the urge had come on me. I haven’t had the thought of a drink in all of this time. But I do know that I’m not immune. And that’s why I need to stop and think about staying sober. And to be grateful for all that has been given to me.
Anyway, the thought of ego and ego deflation came up in the meeting today and it caused me to have to sit down and think about that. To arrive at a point of consciousness of a Power Greater than myself. The God of my understanding. My Higher Power, who has helped me to stay sober and to change a day at a time. I need to express my gratitude. I have been so fortunate and I never want to forget that.