Amazing what turns up in our lives in here. I know I have had my own experiences with some of this, but I had an opportunity to listen to a number of alcoholics, sharing their problems and our thoughts. Made me grateful that I’m sober and that I had the help of my Higher Power and so many other alcoholics like myself, who helped me and are trying to help these others with their struggles.
I was thinking how much pain these kinds of things have caused so many in here. Most of what I was caused to stop and think about and talk with others had to do with our families. Anger and resentments. People pulling away from family members and never speaking to them ever again. Some on the other hand picking away at individuals in an angry, punishing way. All of which caused not just anger in some of us, but fear, and guilt. Resentments.
I never want to drink ever again and for my part I had to do what I could to change at least myself in all of this. I know others, who have done the same over time. Over time in here I have sought the beginning of these problems as well as how to deal with them. To take the time to step aside and examine some of the things which caused all of these difficulties. And what do we have to learn how to deal with these and change ourselves for the better so that we can continue to stay sober in this program.
One of the things it took me time to realize was, when these things which have occurred and lasted for so many years, that there was a common cause. Sounds a little strange to some I know, but most of these began “way back when”. No one can find out the reasons. They’re hidden from us. No doctor, psychiatrist, minister, can dig them out from us. They’re hidden in our unconscious minds. Whatever happened back whenever has gotten lost and the only thing which can remember are our emotions. They never forget.
Bill W. writes about this in the Eighth Step in the 12&12. He states how the harm we may have done others may not be as great as the harm we have done ourselves. That hidden deep within ourselves are emotional conflicts which are below the level of consciousness.
That whatever affected our emotions at the time have discolored our personalities for the worst and changed our lives in a most terrible way.
I’ve read both spiritual and psychiatric authors talking about these things. How no matter how much time we spend trying to find out what is can never be discovered. They’re lost to our memories. Dr. Scott Peck talked about how the lost unconscious is just that. And the only answer is spiritual. And I’ve read the same thing over and over in other books. And I know it’s true. I’ve seen the evidence over and over again.
I know one instance where someone has unforgiving anger at another member in the family and holds the same anger toward another member in another family, because the same person they’re angry at is the same member. I won’t go any further except to say this stuff seems to have been going on endlessly. Goes way back and is still the same today. My guess if asked they would have no idea how all of this started. It just is.
I had a younger brother who was angry with me practically his whole life. All that ended when he called me and told me he was dying and wanted to know if I would come up and help take care of him until he died. I did and by the time the end came he was different. So was I. I was able to make amends at the last. I’m so grateful I was given and opportunity a lot haven’t had. Part of the spiritual program. My Higher Power and all the people I know in here with whom I was able to share.
The only person I have to and can change is me. That’s what I need, with the help of others and these Steps and the God of my understanding. I know from way back that there are times when working with another alcoholic can help not just to relieve these difficult moments, but actually change me. Give me the relief and the peace, the gratitude, the serenity, and even happiness.
The strange thing was that as I was sitting here, thinking and meditating on this, the phone rang. It was a man I have sponsored over time in this program. A long time. And guess what? It was about just what I have been writing. Amazing. We talked for a long time and hopefully he has an answer to all of this. I know he’s willing to follow spiritual help. Time will tell.
Anyway, I was thinking about all of this, which has been given to me over the years in here. However lately I have been getting some more of this, like I did just now on the phone. And I find it a blessing to have gone and done what I have done over time. It has brought a lot of changes within me. However, that doesn’t mean that my faults and defects won’t pop up. They will I know from my experience, but hopefully not as damaging as they used to be. And I hope that I will try to be aware and will ask for help from my Higher Power. And of course be willing to share with others.
I’m just grateful that I have the help of the God of my understanding and so many others in here. It’s just a day at a time and I know I have been blessed with a new freedom and a new happiness.