Self centered fear. That was the topic today. To just about everyone in here this was familiar to say the least. In fact even after the meeting was over there were some who wanted to still talk about this.
I know for myself that it wasn’t all that complicated. That’s what I brought into this program was self centered fear. I came into this program totally unprepared to be here. I mean I came in here immature, insecure, and oversensitive, as my old sponsor described me. He was absolutely right. I sure was immature. A forty-two year old alcoholic, who was really like a 14 year old. I had never really grown up.
When I entered this program I was first of all paranoid. I was fearful of everyone in here. Talk about self centered. I thought everyone in here was focused on myself. And that fear led to anger within me. I was angry at all those I met. I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. And that began resentments within. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. All I wanted was to never to drink alcohol ever again. But, in spite of my fears, I thought I knew how to stay sober on my own.
If I had continued that way, I know that eventually I would have lost my opportunity to get sober and stay sober. Fortunately for me there were several things which broke through my unconscious mind and woke me up to the truth. One of those was the two men I knew, my first sponsor for one, who resentments drove back into alcohol, and both died shortly after they drank. Then there was an old timer, who, when I was talking at a meeting, told me loud and clear to shut up! He told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I knew how to drink but I didn’t know how to stay sober. I needed to take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth. I had to get an open mind and an open heart.
When he had said that to me, my first instinct was to blow my top and grow resentful. And that’s when something within me told me that what he had said was absolutely right. I needed to listen and do what he had said. I have no idea where that came from, but it made me back off and to start to do something different.
I’m not sure of the order of things which happened right after that. One of those was the man who was to become my old sponsor, who challenged my thinking that I knew anything. He told me I was absolutely wrong and that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. He then was able to get me to start to read the BB and accept the Second Step. Then two other things followed.
One of those was that in reading the BB I saw something I had read and learned a long time ago. That of myself I was nothing, my Father does the works. And something came to mind. That might be true, but because he did the works I really was something. Again that started to help me step back from my self centered nature.
The next thing, which took some time to absorb, but which really began to help me out of my self centered nature. That was when I began to learn that I had to learn to get rid of my negative attitude and get into a positive attitude. Not just back then, but the rest of my life a day at a time. I had to learn that attitudes were more important than facts. They could change the facts from negative to the positive. It was really an opening to beginning to change.
Along the way over time I began to grasp the fact that I wasn’t all that important. That what was important was what I was doing. Trying to learn how to stay sober and live a spiritual life. I was guided into change by my sponsor and others and these Twelve Steps. I began to learn how to grow in reliance on my Higher Power for what I needed to do to continue to change.
Of course none of this was an overnight event. It still isn’t. It’s been just like I learned in here. I can only stay sober this day. What I have done in the past is gone. And what the future holds for me is not here yet.
Anyway I had to stop and think about all of this. What was wrong with me and how I began to change. Never forgot that. Never want to forget all of this. How grateful I am for all the help I got which led to these changes within me. I look at them as gifts from my Higher Power, my old sponsor, those old timers, and all those who are with me today. I can’t help but be grateful. I’m not that same person, who came through these doors. Thanks.