Today brought up a lot of stuff I had to go back and think about. The subjects were honesty and acceptance. Kicked up a lot of stuff which got us here and almost took some of us back out. In fact some did they admitted.
As far as alcohol went, I was totally honest and accepting. I knew all the way down within me that I could not control my drinking. I didn’t know about alcoholism. All I knew was that no matter what I did I couldn’t stop drinking. All I could think of in the darkness within was that the only recourse I had was to end my life. Suicide. Thank goodness for a drinking buddy of mine, who knew about a place where they stopped drinking and stayed sober. That gave me enough hope to ask the God of my understanding to help stop me from drinking and living the life I was living. He did.
Then I came here and began to learn a little of what this program was about. Mainly I guessed about not drinking. Alcohol had been removed from me by my God. What hadn’t been removed was my immaturity. A forty-two old child. I was convinced I knew it all and to leave me alone. I wasn’t ever going to drink again. And that’s when, if I was challenged, I came out with lies. I don’t think it was something I really recognized. It was just a habit and one way I guess I knew how to put others off and their noses out of my business.
Without recognizing what I was doing I wanted to convince everyone that I knew what I was doing. And of course that wasn’t even close to the truth. My old sponsor was the first to challenge me by telling me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. He told me I only thought I did. Somehow that got through to me. A slap at my self centered thinking. A puncture in my inflated ego. The beginning of my sponsor and those old timers in bringing about ego deflation in depth.
Of course, if challenged I had a million excuses. One thing I was an expert at was coming up with excuses for why I was doing what I was doing. Especially if I was caught in a lie. And that’s where I was challenged to begin to change. Was I willing? I didn’t know, but I must have been. The next thing I had to face illustrated this. My sponsor told me that I was to put a sign up on my mirror, which said “Don’t Lie To Me!”.
Here I was probably going around skirting the truth and now I was going to have to at least admit to myself what I was doing and begin to stop. If I did I was going to have to stop my excuses for why I was the way I was. I was going to have to get honest and accept the truth. That meant I was going to have to commit myself to change. And that began when my old sponsor finally got me to work that Second Step. The beginning of learning how to live a spiritual life.
And that was the beginning of growing up with the help of my introduction to a Power greater than myself. My concept of my Higher Power. It brought me back to the truth in the beginning of all of this. The God of my understanding Who stopped me from drinking and opened the door to this program for me. Like my sponsor told me, I was not responsible for stopping drinking and coming into this program to live a sober life. But I was responsible for staying here and putting this program into action. I think I accepted that, when he said it. I know of others, who heard the same thing, and reacted the same way I did.
So, here I was today thinking about honesty and acceptance. A basic need for this alcoholic, if I’m to stay sober. And looking back and glancing at how all of this came about for me I have to say that I’m really amazed. I was such a mess when I came into this program. Yet the miracle is that I’m still here. Somehow I’ve been able to rid myself of excuses and begin to get honest and accept what I have been given. And none of this was an overnight event. Like our sign in here says, Time Takes Time. And eventually I was able to accept that, when I began to learn the truth about what was going on.
Have I grown up yet? Sometimes I don’t think so. I can still see the child in me. I want to stop and do things my way. And the fact that I haven’t taken a drink in all this time doesn’t mean that I’m not going to fall back into my old faults. I was told that I’m not a saint. I know that I’m not cured of this disease. I’m an alcoholic and the unmanageable human being who came into this program. The thing is is that I have this program and everything else in here which continues to help me to change a day at a time.
Anyway I had to stop and think about all of this and how it has contributed to my staying sober. How I was given the opportunity to come together with a Power greater than myself. My Higher Power, as I have grown accustomed to come to believe and depend upon for what I need to not only stay sober, but to grow along spiritual lines. Just to grow up. Makes me grateful for the peace and the happiness I have found in here.
And I am grateful for my old sponsor and all those old timers I came to know. And the truth is for each and every man and woman I have met in here, who have all contributed to my being able to stay sober.