Someone today reminded a lot of us of what we had to go through in here to get sober. I know from my own experience and that of others what it was like to get in my own way and almost get lost. I know a lot of us felt that was what was happening to this person, who wanted to go to work and hasn’t been in the program all that long.
Most of us could go back and see how self centered we were and how we wanted to do things our way and not the way of this program. We all talked about listening to ones sponsor and following directions. Not easy for people like ourselves, who are so filled with our own “wisdom”. I know I was among those, who could get lost in our own heads and believe we knew what we were doing and no one else did.
How easy it is for an alcoholic, who has come into this program because of what alcohol has done to us, to feel relieved of the burden of alcohol. Having gotten the relief the next thing which can happen is that we can find ourselves doing things our way, as in the past. Then we can find ourselves being ruled by our emotions. Eventually along the line anger shows up and that’s followed by resentments. Or we can con ourselves into feeling so good that we don’t need this program. In any event, a lot of times this leads back to a drink and a drunk.
Being able to get things down to simplicity and being able to see what is happening takes time. That’s why it was so important that I followed directions of my sponsor. Didn’t mean that I wouldn’t find myself stumbling and falling down. I still had that rebel I brought into this program with me. It was going to take time to get this under control. Meanwhile I had to learn how to pay attention and listen to what I was being told and follow directions which could save my life.
One of those things which helped open my mind and helped me were the bad examples I was exposed to in here. I certainly became aware of some of those, who had come in and were close to my own entrance into this program. I saw a number of them go back out. In fact my first sponsor was among them. And his was a fatal mistake.
Somehow I couldn’t forget why I was here. After all my drinking led me to the point of wanting to end my life because I couldn’t stop drinking no matter what I tried. It certainly made me aware that I never wanted to drink again ever. As faulty as I was I knew that I was going to have to do something which would place me in a position of being able to sustain my staying sober. That kept me trying to eventually find out what I needed to do to stay away from a drink of alcohol.
If nothing else I know that this subject was a great reminder for someone like me. There are times when I know that I need to stay awake and aware of why I am here. Each and every day I know that I have to pay attention to why I came here in the first place. I know that I had been given a great gift of stopping drinking alcohol and allowed to come through these doors in the first place. As one man had pointed out to me that I had had a spiritual awakening before I came in through these doors. I had really surrendered to the First Step.
So the physical side of this disease was put on hold. What was often up in the air with me was the second part of that First Step. The unmanageable life I dragged in here with me. The mental and emotional part of this disease, as well as the spiritual side of things. And as the fifth chapter in the BB pointed out that we are not saints, we’re still going to do things imperfectly and find ourselves stumbling and bumbling over our faults. And I know from my own experiences in here that I’m not done learning what it is I have to do. I will be that way until the end. There’s no cure for this disease.
I need these reminders in order to bring the value of living a day at a time into my consciousness. Not to get caught up in wandering down the road before I get there. I know that I need to continue to practice staying in the present moment. I’m right here and not out there. And I can’t do anything about the past. It’s over and that is one more reason I need to remember where I’m standing at the moment. I don’t need emotional burdens pulling me down.
And all of this is a reminder to me that I have a source of guidance and strength I never had before I came in here. Not that I was aware of anyway. And that is my Higher Power. I have come to depend on this a day at a time, beginning in the morning and being aware of my need in here to continue to commit myself to hope and faith throughout the day. When I do I know that my life goes well as well as my thinking. When I find myself stumbling over my faults I have to learn to stop and put these Steps back into action.
All this is also a reminder to me of the help I have found in here from the very beginning. I have learned and believe I cannot stay sober by myself. I need to remember the value of going to meetings. Learning to listen with an open mind. Getting rid of my prejudgments.
Coming to peace and tranquility with those in here who are just like me. They can do for me what I need. They can show and remind me of what it is I need to do on a daily basis.
This is what I need each and everyday. To step back and turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding. The Third and the Eleventh Step, based on what I learned in that Second Step. What my sponsor and others have taught me. And to have the gratitude I need to help me live a spiritual way of life. I can show that gratitude by reaching out and trying to help others like myself. To give away what was so freely given to me.