When I came into this program I was about 12 to 14 years old emotionally. That meant that my emotions were in charge of my life. Talk about not just being powerless over alcohol, but just how unmanageable my life was.
However, as time went on, these Steps of the program began to change me. With the help of my sponsor and those old timers back then I began to learn what to do in order to begin to mature. To grow up. Something I failed to do even before alcohol took over my life. I can remember sitting in that barroom on my last day drinking and seeing myself in that mirror behind the bar and witnessing myself in reality for the first time in my whole life. What despair! That’s when I made up my mind to kill myself. I couldn’t go on. Alcohol owned me and I had to stop it.
Fortunately a friend of mine gave me a message and hope. He told me that there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober together. And that led me to pray to God and ask for the help I needed and I got it. I was able to stop drinking and come into this program.
Talking to a number of people, who shared their stories with me lately, led me back to those early days in this program. One of my greatest weaknesses was my mouth. I couldn’t keep it shut. My emotions would take over when someone did something or said something and I would find myself sticking my foot in my big mouth and raising all kinds of distress on both sides. It would eventually lead me into anger and resentments. And I know I hurt a lot of people with my lack of verbal control.
Today one of these people definitely raised that question in my mind and I had to stop him and go over what my sponsor and others said to me, over and over again. I had to learn how to step back, take a deep breath, and keep my mouth shut. But first I told him what was told to me. Before I would make that call or go out to talk to others, if I had the time, I needed to get down on my knees and ask my Higher Power for the courage and the strength to do the right thing. In this case to be prepared to keep my mouth shut and listen before I did some damage I would regret.
I told him how I would go to meetings and my sponsor would ask me how I was doing. I would respond by saying something like “good”. And his response was to stick his finger under my nose and tell me I was full of baloney. The reason he could do this was because he knew how much trouble I had when I would give into my emotions and open my mouth. How right he was.
All of this took time to change. But I had to learn to start somewhere and my sponsor would point out that I was in today. This day. This day was the day I had to take care of and pay attention to. I was not in the future or the past, but right now. I had to learn to keep my mouth shut. And eventually I began to do that and things began to change for the better in my life.
I began to learn to think before I spoke. That definitely was tough, because fear, anxiety, anger, resentment would get in the way and I had to learn to pray and ask for the help I needed to clear these things out of controlling my mind and my life. Like my sponsor and others would always tell me, it was intellect over the emotions. Or like my sponsor would say, think with your head and not your heart. And eventually, with the help of my Higher Power that began to change.
Anyway all this led to why we are all here in the first place. To stay sober this day. To do what is necessary to accomplish this. By practicing these spiritual principles in all of our affairs. To be grateful for the gifts I have been given. To give thanks to my Higher Power and all the people in here who have helped me. Thanks.