I had to think today about taking the time to think. That was something I never did well at all when I was drinking. And when I came in it took a long time for my sponsor and those old timers to get me to do that. Eventually I did seem to succeed in doing that. But after a while it is not lost, but as a subject it isn’t something I stop and think about. That’s almost laughable.
Why it came up is that I have had a lot of discussions which finally made me stop and see the need for all of alcoholics like myself to stop and think. When do I need to do that? When I know that situations are coming up which might get me to open my mouth and get into trouble because I didn’t stop and think about it. In other words to step aside and be quiet for a while and when my emotional reactions are silenced I can see where I need to not get into things I shouldn’t. For instance saying something which will anger another. Or talking about someone and taking their inventory which I need to leave alone.
If I really wanted to live this spiritual way of life in here I have to remember what that means to someone like me, who wants to stay sober. Part of that is to learn how to grow in love of others. In the past I might not have thought that way. But now I’m learning that I have to try to practice these principles in all of my affairs. That means to someone like me that I have to do what I was told by my sponsor and those old timers. I have to learn to put my emotions aside and let my intellect be in charge and not them. What I don’t hear today: put the “I” over “E”. Or, as my sponsor would say to me: Think with your head and not your heart.
I know I have seen the evidence of what ignoring these kinds of directions I was given can do to others. I’ve seen what happens when resentments take over the mind and drive them out of the doors and back into drinking alcohol again. I’ve seen it kill them. Just exactly what the BB said. What my sponsor and a lot of others warned me about. I know I don’t want to go there and I had to learn to follow the directions I was given.
None of this is easy, but it I found it to be serious and do-able. That’s why that Second Step was so important. It opened the door to this spiritual way of life for me. It introduced me to my Higher Power in whom I developed faith and trust. I grew in hope that I could change and stay sober because I came to believe I would be given the strength I needed to do what I had to do. And part of that for me was to learn how to turn my emotions over to a Power greater than myself and begin to change in how I thought and lived.
But I also had to learn to pay attention when these emotions would pop up and to try to immediately ask for help from the God of my understanding. It was not an overnight change. But my life began to change as time went on. I no longer feel the emotional reactions I used to have. In fact even when they do show up they are no longer as effective as they used to be. Doesn’t mean that I can’t slip back, but it does mean that if I’m willing to stop and think and ask for the help I need I will get it. But I have to do my part.
Anyway it was a reminder to me that each and every day I need to practice this way of life I have learned in here, if I want to continue to stay sober. I have been so gifted by my Higher Power and this program it’s amazing to me. I have to stay grateful and do what I have been thinking about. To step aside and learn to be quiet and then think about what I need to do or not. To stop and pray and meditate. There’s more, but enough for now.