That Tenth Step in the 12&12, the Spiritual Axiom, whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us, is in my consciousness permanently now.
There was a time in here, seemingly forever, when I didn’t pay any attention to that statement. I might have had an uncomfortable feeling of guilt, but I paid little attention to it. I felt whatever was wrong was the fault of someone else. Not me. Part of my continual cultivation of resentments.
However there was something going on within me, which slowly began to bring about change. I believe it was the introduction of the Second Step into my life. I know it was a long while back, after I met my old sponsor, who introduced me to that Step. Though it took time (like I was told, time takes time) my growing hope, belief, and dependency on my Higher Power was working despite my resistance.
Then, as I was beginning to settle down with the Second, I stumbled right into the Third. My reaction to that was about as dumb as I could get. I think I feared that if I surrendered to the Third I would be sent off to work with Mother Theresa in India. That was just about a large part of the insanity I dragged into this program with me. And then I got a simple answer from another alcoholic and was able to put all of that aside and go on with the program.
By the time I got to the Ninth Step I was really beginning to change in so many ways. I found that I had been restored to sanity as spelled out in the Second Step. I had stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol. I had that spiritual awakening.
I guess I was in a new happiness and a new freedom. Serenity and peace of mind. The Promises came true. I felt so wonderful it was unbelievable. And then it began to happen. I suddenly found myself being pulled into the Tenth Step.
I had been sober quite a few years when I became startled. I found myself stumbling over my defects once again. I think the shock which came to me was because I thought after all of this sobriety I was changed. Not so much “cured”, but I thought I was an experienced sober alcoholic and shouldn’t be caught up in this stuff. Not that these defects were as bad as they once were. They were far less than they once were, but nevertheless they tripped me up and I had to learn to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep on keeping on.
Yet, like I said, I blamed others for my problems. I was developing new resentments. A rumble of anger within. And that’s when I ran into one of these one day and found out almost immediately how wrong I was. I had been bothered by an irritation within because I had told someone a falsehood. Then someone at the dinner table said something and I immediately felt like jumping into their face, when I suddenly realized the truth. I was blaming them for something that really didn’t exist, because I wanted to get the guilt off of me for what I had done earlier.
And there it was, the beginning of something I had desperately needed to learn in order to grow along spiritual lines and stay sober. That whenever I was disturbed there was something wrong with me. Not someone else. I had to learn to back off and mind my own business when it came to others. I had to look at what it was that was really bothering me. Not always an easy task. But it has become easier to do over time. I can often see almost immediately what it was that I needed to take care of.
Of course that exercise in the Tenth often leads me on to the next Step; the Eleventh. And then the Twelfth in many ways, especially if I’m attending meetings on a regular basis. That’s often where prayer and mediation prepare me for such experiences. Drawing me into my reliance on my Higher Power. Improving my hope, my faith, and my dependence on the strength and power that I need in order to stay sober a day at a time.
Anyway I was once again reminded of a number of things. One was that I’m never going to be done. I have an incurable disease for the rest of my life. I have to get a grip on reality. I’m a human being. Not a saint. I’m going to be prone to stumble over my faults. My defects. I just have to do the best I can and rely on the God of my understanding and those I can rely on and share, and who help me in here. All of this reminds me to remain grateful for all I have been given.