Right now I’m going through an episode of being under the weather. My best guess is something like a combination of things. I had people tell me I sounded awful over the phone. They should have been here the night before, when I could barely whisper.
Anyway, even though I still feel not good, I thought it would be a good thing to stop and think about how, despite this state of mine, I have been given such a grand way of life. A new freedom and a new happiness, as Step Nine points out in the promises. And, yes, I have all of those. Even not feeling well I still am aware of what I have been given and it makes me grateful.
All this I know is the result of putting this program into action. For me, I had no argument over that First Step. I was perfectly ready to surrender and I did. I didn’t know anything about being an alcoholic at that time and I certainly knew nothing about the AA program. It was only when I walked through the doors and received a BB. Back in those days they didn’t give them as gifts. They felt that if the person had to pay for it they might pick up the idea of being responsible. I don’t know. Worked for me.
I feel I have to stop, despite my state, and think about this way of life I have been given. I always believe that’s what I’m supposed to do each and every day in here. I can only stay sober for this one day. And when that’s over I hope I wake up to a new one. That’s because of my sponsor and all those old timers in here, who taught me what it was I was responsible for doing each and everyday. Never want to forget that.
But, more than anything else, is when my sponsor introduced me to that Second Step. That was the beginning of a total change within me. Took time of course, but it was what brought about my finding a way in here to live a spiritual way of life. Amazing when I think about it. Here I was walking around with this black hole within me. I found out in here that was once called “the God hole”. All my life out there I was trying to fill that hole up with alcohol and a whole lot of other things, which would fall down into that hole and never even hit bottom. I could never fill it up no matter how much I tried.
Then I came into this program and began to learn that I could only fill that hole up from within. I was going to have to find a Power greater than myself and come to believe and depend on Him. That began with that Second Step, but it was not an overnight event. I had to learn to let go of things I believed and thought. I had to let go of control and begin to give myself over to a Higher Power. And eventually I did. One day at a time.
Through all of this I grew in hope. Right from the beginning, when I was given hope by a man who had heard about this program and told me it was possible I could stop drinking and get sober. That led to my first real prayer in so many years. And it worked. I found myself relieved of the power of a drink over me. I can never forget that. I know I did, when I first came in and didn’t want to hear about living a spiritual life. I thought I knew better.
Hmm. How wrong I could be? I really had no idea what the truth was in my life. I found how desperately I needed truth. Like I said it wasn’t an overnight event. It took a long time in here, one day at a time. I had to learn to let go of things I had made up in my mind to help keep me going. I had to become willing to give up all I thought I once knew and begin to learn from those in here who had saved their lives and gotten sober and still were sober.
Not easy for a huge ego like I had. But, I began to learn that if I wanted to get sober I was going to have to do what the sober alcoholics in here did to attain that state.
And then I was to learn that no matter how long I stayed sober I was still in the process of learning. I learned that I didn’t know anything. I only thought I did. I have a disease for which there is no cure and I will have it until the end of my life. I pray that I may continue to desire and do what I need to in order to maintain this way of life. I have come to love what I have been given.
Anyway I thought I’d better stop and think about this. Doesn’t matter how I feel. All I have to do is what I learned in here. I’m never done no matter what I think I have accomplished. And that’s exactly what hits me between the eyes. I don’t know what I have accomplished. My thought is that it’s nothing. All I know is that I try to do everyday what I have learned in here. Not always well, but I know I need to pick myself up and keep on going no matter what.
So here I am thinking about gratitude I owe my Higher Power. How I learned to have faith and hope in Him. How despite me He has taken care of me through all of what I have been presented. Like they say in here, beyond my wildest dreams. And yes, I owe the people in here so much for all the help they have given me a day at a time. I am grateful.