One of the many things I have learned in here is how many I can identify with, when they find themselves going through their problems in sobriety. And we will. We do. We may be sober and living a better way of life, free from alcohol. However I have to remember we’re still human. We have our faults, our defects, which, when our minds begin to wander back to junk from the past. At least our way of thinking and feeling.
I know, when I find myself back on the Tenth Step in here, I can see my alcoholic personality again. My conviction that I know what’s going on. Even though I end up right back where my sponsor nailed me early on. I don’t know that I don’t know. I only think I do. And that’s the truth. My wanting to be in control, part of that over sized alcoholic ego, is back. And I have to step out of the way and ask for help from my Higher Power, and often another alcoholic, like myself.
I may blame my struggles on someone else, but in the end I know I’m going to find my part in all of this. My fear, my anger, my resentments, my overwhelming emotions getting in my way. I can find myself doing what I did back out there. Maybe not as bad as then, but still a way of upsetting others, as well as myself. Often times I don’t see it until it’s done some damage to me. It’s then I have to apply the wake up call of that Tenth Step, the spiritual axiom and get honest with myself.
I don’t have to go into details with myself about what these items are which cause me to bumble and stumble over myself. It can be the result of wanting to disagree with someone or what I think are “rules and regulations”. I can get myself in a worry, anxiety, and even fear about something I don’t want to deal with or which is down the road and not here today. That can end up turning to anger and my wanting to take over and control whatever or whoever. And that can end up in a resentment I really don’t want and don’t need. But suddenly there it is.
Of course I always have to go back and agree that most of this is avoidable, if I’m aware and paying attention to doing this program each and everyday in here. If I’m willing to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs. If I’m open to my Higher Power and asking for the help I need. If I’m maintaining hope and relying on faith I’ve learned in here. If I’m open to sharing with another alcoholic like myself. Willing to ask for the help I need. And if I am grateful for all I have been given in here.
I know that I’m not a saint. I’m just another alcoholic. But someplace along the line I have to learn at least a minimum of humility, which I think comes about as the result of working these Steps into my life. I know I need to change from the person I was when I came in. The result for me is that I realize I’m not like I was. Life is much better, easier, than it ever was before. I have these gifts and promises I’ve read and heard in here. But I also need to remember that I’m not done. There’s no cure for what I have and I will still have this the rest of my life. And that means that I’m open to stumbling over myself in here. I will never be perfect but at least I can learn to get up and dust myself off and keep on keeping on. That I learned from my sponsor and the words and examples of those old timers.
Anyway I have been in touch with a number of others like myself, who have helped to remind me of stopping and thinking about these things. It’s a reminder to me that I just have this day. Like they always remind me that this is just a day at a time. Always right now. This moment. I’m here to stay sober and live a sober life. What a gift for someone like me. I am thankful for my Higher Power and all these sober alcoholics who have helped me all along.