My experience in here is that we are not to be surprised that our character defects come up no matter how long we have been sober. I have learned in here that the only Step I can work perfectly is the First. I found that if I surrender completely that I am an alcoholic then I’m ready for the rest of these Steps. However the rest will never be worked perfectly.
I have to remember that, as I put this program into action, when I have surrendered and accepted the spiritual way of life, regardless what that means to me, that my life will begin to change for the better. Not all at once. But over time I will begin to find myself improving. Not an overnight experience for any of us. Took me a long time I know.
But what I found out, after a long, long time in here that I was surprised at some of these defects reappearing. Especially for me when I found myself getting impatient and angry. And then resentments would begin to appear all over again. And that’s when I discovered that when I began to practice that Tenth Step and asked my Higher Power for help I saw myself begin to become aware of what was wrong with me and more change came into the picture.
I had to learn over time that the only person I had to deal with was not another but myself. I was the one who finally had to come to understand that my taking others inventories never worked in the past. All that did was reinforce my anger and resentments. What I had to begin to learn was who really was at fault. That was myself. I had to start to release others from my over self centered nature. My wanting to blame others for what was wrong with me. Feeling sorry for myself and not recognizing that was what I was doing.
All this had to be supported by prayer and meditation. I had to learn how to quietly take a look at what I had been doing wrong all along. I had to admit that to myself and that was not easy. Talk about what my sponsor told me. That I was insecure, immature, and oversensitive. He and those old timers knew all about me. That was because they knew all about themselves and had to learn how to do what they needed to do over and over again and again.
That was when I began to realize that I’m really never done with these Steps and what exactly they can do for me, if I will put them into practice on a daily basis. I’ll never ever be perfect, no matter how well I may convince myself I am doing. I’m definitely not a saint nor will I ever be. I’m a human being with all the faults of a human being. And added to all of that is I am an alcoholic and my defects, when I was out there, were out of control. Then I come in here and expect to achieve perfection? I don’t think so.
I can remember some of the most calm and cool recovered alcoholics, who had many years in this program were still open to what I have gone through. I have lost my temper big time. Hopefully that I am more aware of my weaknesses and willing to get honest with myself and make the necessary changes I have failed or forgotten to do. I’ve seen others go through this and get better and make the necessary changes. Especially if we were willing to admit to others what was bothering us and listened to their experiences as regards our defects.
The first thing I had to learn is that I’m not immune to being a human being. I had to wake up to the fact that I have my weaknesses and sometimes stumble and fumble my way into things. I learned from my sponsor a long time ago that I had to pick myself up and dust myself off after these stumbles. And then get back on my feet and get focused and move ahead in the directions I need to go in order to stay sober each and every day in here.
And my desire to stay sober and try to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs is precisely what I’m dedicated to doing each and everyday in here. I never ever want to drink alcohol again. And I also need to remember that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it, as the Ninth Step in the BB tells me. That’s what I need to bring into my meditations everyday and ask for the help I need to do exactly that. And then be able to express my gratitude to my Higher Power for all I have been given. When I think about it I can’t help but have my ego deflated, when I think about this miracle. I’m sober and still here, despite the fact that I should have been dead many years ago. Amazing. And I am grateful.