I don’t think any discussion can make us more uncomfortable than character defects. I know for me that I have to be prepared to face the fact that I have them, and no matter what my thoughts and actions were about them, they still show up.
The truth is that when they do, they’re not the same. Not as they once were. Whatever it is that I have been doing through the time in here I think it’s because I have changed. Part of the striving within oneself to make the changes necessary to remain sober.
There are a couple of things I need to remember when I’m considering these irritable faults of mine. They usually appear when I get careless. When I’m convinced I’m doing better. When I forget what I’m supposed to be doing here. When I let my emotions take over my thinking and my life. When my over sized alcoholic ego sets me up for control. And, just as often, when the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step pops up. When someone “disturbs me”. And when I have somehow convinced myself how spiritual I have become. Fortunately this last one is rare.
I learned from my sponsor and others that no matter how long I stay sober, which I hope is the rest of my life, these will continually appear. That’s because, as the BB, other spiritual authors point out to us, that we are not saints. We are still human. We are alcoholics with an incurable disease.
Myself, and I’m sure others, find that there is a purpose to all of this. My thought is that they are reminders to me to remember why I am here and the need I have to continue to put this program into action each and everyday. The need I have to change. That is what these Steps are supposed to do for us. To change us from the immature, insecure, and oversensitive person my sponsor described that I was, into an adult spiritual individual I was shown I needed to be. A sane and sober person who believes and has faith in his Higher Power and depends on Him for his sobriety. Who renews hope each and everyday. Who begins to have compassion and eventually love for others, particularly the suffering alcoholic.
The one defect I need to be aware of and know that I cannot afford to have around within me is justifiable anger and resentments. I know I need to read, say, and think about the prayer of St. Francis, and try to practice those principles he talks about. To remember to stay open to others, especially my sponsors, and, of course my Higher Power.
And I always need to remember to be grateful for all I have been given in here. Like is often said it is all beyond my wildest dreams. The restoration to sanity, the spiritual awakening. The new freedom and new happiness I was given as a result of being freed from alcohol. The spiritual way of life I never dreamed I would begin to practice as an essential part of my life. To begin my day with prayer and eventually meditation. And to close my day with thanks and gratitude to my Higher Power, the God of my understanding.
Anyway this was part of our discussion today and a reminder to me of what I need to pay attention to. Makes me grateful I have the opportunity and the consciousness of what I’m doing and why I am here. To stay sober this day.