Today I had a lot to think about. Mostly gratitude for all I have been given. Today is my birthday. I should have been dead many years ago, as the result of this disease of alcoholism. Yet I’m still alive and happy and often comfortable. Serene often enough to put me at ease. All this beyond my wildest dreams.
I know that my recovery began with a total surrender to my being powerless over alcohol. No argument. A total giving up and being willing to accept whatever it was that I had to do. I had no idea what I was doing at the time. All I knew was that I begged God to do for me what I could not do for myself. To take the alcohol away and the way I was living along with it. I said I’d do whatever it was that He wanted me to do.
I was reaching out into the dark and got my answer the next day. The alcohol was gone. No mental obsession, no insane craving, no desperation. Never even thought about it that day, until that night. And then it wasn’t to drink. Just to be grateful. And I’ve never had a drink since then and I never ever want one.
Today I went to my first meeting in a few days. I’ve been under the weather. Didn’t physically feel great, but it didn’t matter. I wanted to go out of gratitude. I needed to be reminded of why I came here and what I have been given as a result.
Also, since we were talking about putting this program into action, I had to go back and think about a lot of things I learned in here from my sponsor and those old timers. I always go back to what my sponsor told me. That I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I knew. I found that is exactly what was wrong with me when I came in. Well, that was one of the up front things. There were a thousand and one things I needed help for, but not knowing was the thing I had to learn as soon as possible. I had to back up and learn to start all over. Today I often think to myself that I still don’t know. But that’s all right because I know just where to go to find out what I need to know.
One of the blocks I had in my way when I came in was all this talk about spirituality. Turned me off when I heard it and kept me stuck where I was. And then my sponsor got me to read the Second Step in the BB. Blew my mind. There it was and it hit me right between the eyes. I was either going to have to learn to live a spiritual life or die an alcoholic death. I had already been there and never wanted to go back. So I chose to begin to believe in a Higher Power. God as I understood Him. My thoughts not necessarily someone elses. This is not a religion. Anyone, an alcoholic, can come in and make up his own mind one way or another. That’s the way our founders wanted it to be. All they wanted was to make sure that each and every sick alcoholic had a way to stop drinking and get better.
I know it didn’t take much to make me forget that I had prayed to God and gotten my answer. I had a spiritual awakening before I walked through these doors. Thank my Higher Power I did walk through these doors and stayed despite my ego maniacal insanity. The mind of an alcoholic.
I thought about a lot of this at the meeting. Hopefully I was able to express some of this. I owe so much to my Higher Power and this program. I just hope I can give some of this back to others who need it like I did. And yes there were all these old timers and a whole bunch of “new” people, who helped me through my rough times in here. I just thought I would take the time to express this to myself and the God of my understanding. I need to say thanks again and again. I can never express it fully but I hope I keep on trying each and every day in here.
Fortunately I got to talk to a few people today and share with them what I believed they needed. I know I’m the one who gets a great gift each time I do. Glad I was given the opportunity to do that. Moments like that always bring about a change within me. Thanks.