Several things were running through my mind today. One was the Serenity Prayer and another my character defects. Lot of tie ins with this. Plays a big part in my sobriety.
One of the things we talked about today were our character defects. A lot of that had to do with the fact that no matter how long we’ve been sober these are going to keep popping up in our lives. The BB pretty much told us that. I know that I and others have been plagued with these throughout our time in here.
At first I was confused and couldn’t understand where this stuff was coming from. Then it began to make sense to me and the same with others I have heard from. I have this disease and it is incurable. It will be with me the rest of my life. I’m here to stay sober, so part of what I’m expected to do is to put this program into action each and every day. I know that part of this is to continue to put my effort into change and improvements in my daily life. And here is where the spiritual life comes in each and every day.
For instance, it was pretty much a general admission by the group today that loss of temper and even resentments kept popping up. One of the things talked about was learning to keep better control over these, but there was more. And I believe that’s where the Serenity Prayer comes in. At least part of it.
I know that the opening of that prayer tells me just how powerless I am over everything. After enough time in here I came to not only understand that, but I also came to acceptance of that. In particular I have no control over any person. Which also brought in the Tenth Step for me. That axiom that whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. That is what began to teach me a lot about, not only my loss of temper, but also about resentments. I began to learn that I had to let go of resentments, but I also had to learn to stop taking inventories of someone else. Whatever was going on with others was none of my business. Besides, what do I know about anyone but myself?
And that’s where the Serenity Prayer comes back in. The words “The courage to change the things I can”. Plus the “The wisdom to know the difference”. For me I know there is at least one person I can change. That’s me. I know I can’t change anyone else. I know I can help, but the person has got to want to change. I can’t put that into them. It’s up to them.
And that tells me that I can change me. At least I can try. Not only do I have to have the willingness to change, but I need help. I need the strength, the power to change. And that’s where my Higher Power comes in. The spiritual way of life I am supposed to be committed to in here.
I know as I begin to become aware of how much I need to continue to change and grow along spiritual lines that I have to ask for help from my Higher Power. And then I have to take the action necessary to support my move to change. I also know that I need to share with others and let go of whatever it is that I have been hanging on to. But I also know that I have to come to face the fact that maybe there are things I am afraid to let go of and may not be aware of that.
When it comes to this I have to remind myself that I am human. An alcoholic, who is filled with an over-sized ego, which tells me that I need to control everything in my life. And that is something I have to wake up to. I need to become aware of things, which I have often found were hidden deep within me. Not easy. And as someone pointed out today it takes at least a beginning to humility. Not an easy task for someone like me. But that’s what change is all about.
And yet I realize what the BB talked about when it tells us that I’m not a saint and never will be. As long as I’m breathing I know that I will be subject to running into myself in here. That stumbling, and fumbling, bumbling, and tripping over myself. Part of what I need to learn in here is how to not only ask for forgiveness, but how to forgive myself. And, when I learn not to lose my temper over someone else, I can begin to do what the Prayer of St. Francis says that it’s about forgiving others that we are forgiven.
Anyway I had to stop and think about all of this. The need to change is obviously always going to be there in front of me. I have to learn to pay attention and seek the help I need to stay sober one day at a time. Makes me so grateful to be sober and to find that in general I have peace and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.