One of the things I think we were all reminded of today was how blessed we all are to be in this fellowship and sober today. I heard some of what often comes to mind, when I think about this. I’m always amazed that I’m still alive. And, like I said, sober.
Among other things I have learned in here is that I do not want to put myself in a negative position, where I might be tempted to drink again. To be overwhelmed by anger and resentment. I had a enough of that when I was out there. Why would I want to go back? To be once more overwhelmed by my negative emotions. I’ve definitely seen the results of this kind of stuff. My first sponsor for one, who drank again over a resentment and died soon after. And that was followed by a man I knew and liked, who did the same thing and had the same result.
I know that I came here to stop drinking and stayed stopped. I never wanted to drink again when I arrived here. I had no idea of alcoholism. All I knew is that I constantly drank and got drunk and couldn’t stop no matter what I tried. And I had never heard about this program until I got here. And when I did I read the Doctor’s Opinion in the BB and discovered what was wrong with me. And that was after I attended my first meeting and was exposed to the message talked about in the Fifth Tradition. I was the suffering alcoholic who needed what was being given to me. Made me grateful to see and hear so many people who had gone through what I was going through at that time. And they were sober and glad to be where they were.
As I sat in the meeting today I felt the same gratitude I felt that first meeting. Once again I was in a meeting of this fellowship where others like me were sharing their experiences and their faith and hope in this program and their sobriety. Their gratitude. Mine too.
I’m always happy when I stop and think about what I have learned in here and how I was able to try to do what I needed to do to stay sober. And that was when I was beginning to learn about the spiritual way of life I needed to have to stay sober. Learning to begin to believe in a power greater than myself. I read and believed that I was suffering from lack of power. I needed all the help I could get. And that was going to be my Higher Power on whom I was going to have to rely for the power and strength I lacked in order to never drink ever again. I was going to have to change like everyone else in here had done with the same help I was getting.
I was talking about an old timer today with a man, who needed what this man gave to me. He was the one who helped me through the beginning of the Ninth Step. And that Step was the one which led to the restoration to sanity within me. I remember going back and reading what it said about my stopping fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol, because sanity had returned. Never want to forget that moment in time. Makes me so grateful.
And that seemed to cement into place that spiritual awakening, which began just before I walked through these doors. And that allowed me to become part of that arresting of the physical part of alcohol. I had been placed in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol went.
Now I was left with this incurable disease in the mental and spiritual part of me. My faults and my defects and the need to employ this spiritual life within. And that’s when I began to be startled when my faults and defects would appear again. I definitely was not cured that was for sure. And then I learned what the BB meant when it points out that we are not saints. We still suffer from our humanity and its weaknesses.
I had to begin to learn a lot of other things I had never ever tried to face before. I found out I was subject to attacks within from my negative emotions, which would take over my mind and sometimes my actions. I found I definitely was driven to become dependent on my Higher Power for the help I needed to deal with these and to begin to mature emotionally. I never think of myself as “mature”, but I do know that over time I have received help with these. I began to learn to put my intellect over my emotions. Like my sponsor told me, I had to learn to think with my head and not my heart. That’s because I learned that they often were at the basis to what was mentally wrong with me. And I began to learn that they would be with me until I was cured at the end of my life. I pray that I may stay sober all the way.
I had to stop and remember how grateful I am because of all that has been given to me in this program. I remember at the beginning of my start in here, I was told that I was not responsible for getting sober or into this program. But I was told I was responsible for staying sober and putting this program into action in my life. The beginning of learning to change my twisted negative attitude. Gradually learning and receiving these promises. A new freedom and a new happiness. Peace and serenity I never ever had before. And more than that, which makes me feel blessed. Anyway thanks to my Higher Power and all those in this fellowship who have helped me along the way.