It’s interesting how listening to someone, who has problems, can open my mind and let me see what it is with me that is able to share new ideas and some answers they seemed to need. And that opened the door within me. Perhaps the reason I knew what was going on was that someplace along the line I went through much the same thing. Did I accept it and did it change me? Interesting question.
What is more interesting is that this is all about sobriety. May not seem that way at the time, but it definitely is. What is it I’m doing that may put my sobriety at peril? Lack of acceptance. Acceptance of what? The truth and the willingness to change.
When someone with long time sobriety is telling me that they’re depressed over their employment, for which they studied, and the hours and income, what is wrong? Is it because they are not supporting their family? Or themselves.
The first thing I think about is what is the cause of depression in this? Something valid? Or is it something else. My first question was the negative emotions behind all of this. Self pity? Good question. Feeling sorry for oneself. Not only that, but the anger accompanying this. Who is it aimed at? Myself or my employers, or maybe the fact my partner may be making more than me and are able to do more than just help support us.
The other question is, am I doing a good job? Did the courses I took to qualify me for this program fulfill what I expected of them? More than that. Did I know what I was getting into when I accepted this role? Obviously I must have had some information on what was expected of me and what my salary would be. No surprises, right? Then what’s wrong?
This takes me back to the spiritual axiom that whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. And that means I have to stop and ask my Higher Power for the help to find out what’s wrong. Perhaps talking to another individual who has been through this kind of stuff. There are a lot of questions, but, for me anyway, I think the solutions are simple.
I was reminded of just how self centered I was when I came here and how far has that defect gone away? I know today that I’m never surprised when these things come up. I know that I’m not cured of this disease and it will be with me until the end of my life. I also know that as long as I’m here that I’m still learning. Moreover I am not a saint. I’m a human chronic alcoholic, whose faults are going to continue to pop up from time to time. I was told by my sponsor that what I had to do was to pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue down this path.
I truly believe that we need to stop and go back and examine what is going on. Maybe the truth is that I’m making a mountain out of molehill. It’s just that my pride is hurt. I’m angry and feeling sorry for myself. I need to step back and get another view of everything. A healthier vision of what’s really going on. My expectations may be unrealistic. I made them up in order to justify what I’m going through. I need to stop and ask for the help I need from my Higher Power. I need to talk to people who have a more balanced view than I have.
I also need to try to practice thinking with my head and not my heart. To put the intellect over my emotions. Again I need a spiritual answer for this, along with willingness to change myself within. I want to continue to stay sober and live this program the way it has been given to me. I need to find the peace and happiness I have been given as the result of doing what I have been able to do with the help I have received in here. And all this a day at a time.
Anyway I had to go back and talk about what I have learned in here from my old sponsor and all those old timers. It’s no big mystery. It’s me making what they used to call a mountain out of a mole hill. I need to find these moments of gratitude I need to have in order to stay in this program. And I need to have my mind open to trying to improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, and then to be open to help someone else to whom I can pass the program’s message.
Thinking about why I came here in the first place. To stop drinking and get sober.