Looking at the BB last night I was reminded of a number of things. Sobriety, of course, but how to live this sober life in the program. And that’s where I was once again reminded of how imperfect a life I am living in here.
One thing for sure is that I’m not in charge. I know that’s something most alcoholics suffer from. The need to be in charge. Just reading once again about the “director”, trying to run everything and how things can fall apart sure described me. Especially early on.
I had to learn over and over again how to try to live a spiritual life I began to learn from the Second Step and my sponsor and the other people in here. I had to look at that Third Step once again and turn things over to the God of my understanding. Learning the hard way to let go and let God. Not easy for this chronic alcoholic, suffering from an over sized ego and negative emotions.
Eventually, over time, I began to grasp what everyone was trying to tell me. I had to achieve some humility to learn to trust my Higher Power and the people in here and begin to follow directions. What I thought I knew, when I came into this program, wasn’t working. Never did. I had to learn that the dark hole I had within me had to be filled from within. The spiritual awakening. The restoration to sanity from these Steps.
I also had to learn that what I was going to accomplish in here, was going to be imperfect. The only perfect accomplishment was going to be my surrender in that First Step to my being powerless over alcohol. I knew that from the beginning, because I knew I never ever wanted to drink alcohol again. I had begged the God of my understanding to free me from alcohol and He did.
Now I had to learn how to deal with my imperfections. I had to learn all this from the experiences of those ahead of me. I had to learn how to become open and share with another sober alcoholic and then listen to whoever I knew had experience in staying sober in this program. My sponsor or others like him.
Of course none of this was an overnight event. I had to learn how to hang in despite myself. I also had to be reminded that I had an incurable lifetime disease called alcoholism. I had to come to understand that over the rest of my life in here, that despite my trying to live a spiritual way of life, that from time to time my faults would pop up and get in my way.
That’s why I came to depend on the last three Steps in here. How I had to learn that when I found myself getting tripped up I had to stop blaming others and look at where I was wrong myself. I had to become dependent on that Eleventh Step and then learn how to reach out and try to help another alcoholic like myself, when I was given the opportunity. Either a new person or someone who wanted to talk to me.
Anyway, just another reminder to me of why I am here. I try each and everyday to remember the gift I was given, when I got sober and came into this program. I always remember my sponsor telling me that I was not responsible for my getting sober, nor my coming into this program. What he did tell me I was responsible for was my staying sober and putting this program into action.
Thought I would stop and think about all of this today.