When I talk or think about sobriety I have to remember those who have lost their sobriety. I was thinking this earlier today, because we were talking about the “spiritual axiom” from the Tenth Step in the 12&12.
One of the most difficult things I think we all have to deal with is our emotions. And this is what I see so many of those, who go back out again, suffering from.
For instance I remember a friend of mine, who had ten years without a drink, who was overwhelmed by his emotions and went back out. I think about him, because of the resentment which he drank on. He told me, after he came back, that it all started with a man in his group whom he became angry at. The next thing he knew he was becoming irritated with those members, who were being nice to this man. The next thing he knew was that he left the group because he resented everyone in the group. And he drank. Not long after he told me, he died as a result of his drinking alcohol.
When I think about he spiritual axiom, that whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us, it tells me that when I’m like that I need to forget about others and concentrate on what it is that’s wrong with me. I had to learn to stop thinking about others. I had to remember what those old timers told me over and over again and again.
It’s intellect over the emotions. Father Martin and those with experience in sobriety in here always said. My sponsor, who told me that I needed to think with my head and not my heart. I was going to have to learn how to practice this spiritual program in here and begin to ask for help from my Higher Power to begin to control my emotions. Especially my anger, which would always lead me to resentments.
I definitely know that what the BB says about the danger resentments hold for alcoholics like me. That resentments can cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and that they can take me to a drink. and for me to drink is to die. I know exactly why the word “axiom” is in the Tenth Step. Axiom is really the truth. Because when I’m caught up in resentment I am in danger of drinking again and I’ve seen how many have gone back out and died as a result. My first sponsor demonstrated that for me and everyone else in here.
Over time in here I had to learn how to begin to practice what I learned from my old sponsor and those old timers and begin to learn how to turn my emotions over to the God of my understanding and slowly trim them back and lessen the impact on me. And it has eventually been effective.
Even though we can work this program, we’re still human. The physical side of this incurable disease has arrested my thoughts and desire for alcohol, but the mental, emotional, and spiritual side, my humanity, is still there. My faults and weaknesses can pop up at anytime. And they do.
Anyway these thoughts and memories came up during the discussion today. I know that I need to always be aware of what is wrong with me and to continue to practice the discipline I had started to learn in here. I know that I’m not done. Never will be until the end.
I also need to think about more of the truth in here. I have been given so many gifts in sobriety that I cannot help but be grateful. I need to always thank my Higher Power and all those in here who have helped me along the way. And I hope that I will always have the willingness to do just that. Thanks.