One of the things which has often messed up sober alcoholics is our need to do things our way. Another way of putting that is the wrong way. Have a sober friend of mine who said he had a real hard time getting out of his own way. He said he always wanted to be in charge.
He had to learn how to change the hard way. He never drank again, but lost a lot in the process. He always said that he had to learn how to get out of the driver’s seat and go back to the rear of the bus. Not easy for someone like an alcoholic, who is constantly tripping over his self centered ego. Not that anyone of us wants to believe that.
Often times what is going on with us, I found out, was our emotions driving us. Feelings of things like self pity. Feeling sorry for ourselves. Often we don’t see it that way. We probably tell ourselves that I need something I deserve. And that can trip us up, when we find ourselves buried in a bunch of stuff within, which can cut us off from the sunlight of the spirit.
Why am I thinking this way? Because I have been down these roads before. Fortunately for me I had a good old sponsor, who often got in my way and helped me to turn my head around and get back where I belonged. In this program seeking sobriety a day at a time.
Had a lot of friends who would listen to me and I would do the same for them. We helped each other to step back and stay in the day, rather than finding myself projecting into the future. Or going places and doing things, which could get me into trouble.
Once again I need to remember to step back and say a prayer. To stop at some point in the day and sit and be quiet and meditate. The Eleventh Step. Often preceded by the Tenth Step and getting rid of stuff within me. To focus on why I came here. I came here to get sober and stay sober and live a sober life. I’m the only one who can stay sober for me. No one else can do that for me. But I also need to recognize I cannot stay sober by myself.
I often think of what that woman said in Freedom From Bondage. That she didn’t always get what she wanted. But when she got what she needed she found out it was what she wanted all along. I have found that to be true in my life also. All of this is not always what I have learned in here. Just as often or more so, I have found it was my dependency on my Higher Power.
Anyway I know that I have been asked for help by someone and find it’s me who is being helped. Just as often I can find myself going back and looking at what I was thinking or doing and sharing it with someone like myself. And just as often I find myself feeling like I had just been rewarded. A gift for sure. Makes me grateful.
I know that these thoughts have put me in a place where I need to be. A reminder to me of why I am here in the first place. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. To depend on my Higher Power and the people in here to help me to do this. I am grateful. Like the Ninth Step says in the Promises. I have found a new freedom and a new happiness. Unbelievable it seems, but true. Amazing.