Today I was forced to think about why I am here. We had someone who was coming back, who had been here many times before. Over and over through the years. Yet it was that I know must have made people like me to take time to remember why I was here.
I think that’s true for me of anyone who is trying to stop drinking. I just think that it’s almost frightening to think that there are those who really cannot or will not stop drinking no matter what.
I look back and think how desperate I was when I tried to stop drinking. In fact I was about to kill myself because I just couldn’t go on. Alcohol definitely owned me. I was its slave. And then a friend of mine, had heard of a place where men and women stopped drinking and stayed sober together and told me about it.
I had really never heard of this program back then. In fact I really didn’t know anything about alcoholism. All I knew was that I was helpless when it came to alcohol.
It made me wonder today how anyone of us could do for this person what my friend did for me. He gave me hope and that helped me to surrender to the First Step, even though I knew nothing about that. But I did do that to the God of my understanding and I was released from the demands alcohol had on me. I always look at that as a miracle. Made me wonder about the person in front of me.
Back then I was given not only hope, but eventually after I came here, I found faith in a Higher Power, and from there through the Steps and finally the Twelfth. And that brought about compassion or love of others. I didn’t really think of that with this person, although I did feel sorry for them. It was like they were being defiant no matter what they said.
I just thought how defiant I was when I came in. I had stopped drinking, but I was resistant to what was going on in this program. I think my first sponsor going back out drinking and dying helped to change my mind. And then those old timers practiced ego deflation in depth on me. It worked and got me into the Second Step and the rest.
Anyway I came home and had to think about exactly why I’m here. I can’t do anything for someone who either doesn’t want this or somehow can’t understand and do what is needed to surrender. I only know that I need to stay sober this day. That’s my primary goal in this life. I never ever want to drink again. I wish we could get others to do this. But then there’s the Serenity Prayer, which tells me I am powerless over others. They need willingness. I’m just glad that hope gave me that willingness. Makes me grateful.