Every time we have meetings, where an alcoholic is coming back from having gone back out and drank again, I always find myself going back to the BB and that chapter More About Alcoholism. At the end of that chapter there is a statement, which says that at certain times the alcoholic may have no mental defense against that first drink. Then it tells us that except in a few rare cases, no one can help us, except our Higher Power.
I went through this myself about a year and a half in this program. Out to dinner, where everyone was drinking and I was paying no attention to this. Then immediately after dinner we all went into the package store, where the owner, a friend of my in-laws, gave them free beer. That’s when I lost it. Fortunately before I did anything, my wife asked me what was wrong with me, and I told her. She told me I should step outside and pray and I did. I was relieved of that overwhelming drive within. Another miracle.
Up to that point I hadn’t even thought about a drink. I had been able to surrender to that First Step right before I came to this program. I prayed and asked for help and alcohol was taken away. I always think about what was going on. I was in deep pain within. Total despair. I was suicidal. And then someone gave me hope that I could get sober, I took the offer and that’s when I asked my Higher Power for help.
For over a year my mind was free of alcohol, until that moment, when I lost my protection. I had seen this happen to others before and what happened to them. Not good. Some died almost near the drink itself. I knew at that time that they lost their sobriety because they had anger, resentments, bitterness, and a lot of other thoughts.
Then I went back to the directions my old sponsor gave me. The Second Step, where I learned that I was going to have to live a spiritual way of life or die an alcoholic death. I had already come close to an alcoholic death, I didn’t ever want to drink again, so I chose to put the Second Step into action.
I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, my Higher Power. I had to begin to be honest with myself and others in this program. Like I said, I had seen what had happened to others, who went back out. None of them told anyone what was going on, at least those I had been shared with after they came back. Sometimes it was complacency, self satisfaction. Believing they knew what they were doing and didn’t need the program anymore. Other times it was just negative emotions and negative thinking. But, like one man told me, he wasn’t thinking about a drink, and he was going to meetings, but not really listening. One night, after a meeting, he found himself in a bar with half a glass of beer sitting in front of him. He had no memory of going into the bar and ordering that drink.
Honesty, the spiritual way of life, attendance at meetings. reminding oneself of what we need to do on a daily basis, to stay sober a day at a time. To ask for help. To do what I need to do in working this program. Being willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. And changing as a result of this program. Being grateful for all I have been given.
There’s more. There always is. But today I look at my life and recognize that it’s wonderful. I’m happy for the most part. Once in a while I will stumble over my old defects, and then have to deal with them. Often sharing them with a sponsor or another long term sober alcoholic. I’m only human. Not a saint. But am willing to ask for help each and everyday. Makes me willing to go to any lengths to stay sober…a day at a time.