Once again I was reminded of why I am here and what my role is in this program. And the fact is that I”m here to stay sober a day at a time. However I have to remember who and what I am. I’m not here to run this program and control the people, who come into this program and stay or leave. I have to remember what my true role in here is. I’m here to serve others, if possible, and let them go. It’s not up to me to control their sobriety. It’s up to the individual and not me. And I have to remember Who is in charge. My Higher Power. I’m here stay sober and be of service.
I remember how difficult it was for me to give up my idea that I was in control. I go back and think of one of our group, who has often told how much he thought he was in control and the damage it did to his life, until he stopped and, as he states, how he got out of the driver’s seat and went to the back of the bus. I often think about this, when I find myself tripping over my over sized ego. It reminds me of what Dr. Tiebout told those old timers. That we alcoholics had huge egos, which had to be cut down to size. And that described me.
And that’s what my old sponsor and those old timers did for me. They continued to cut me down to size, so that I could develop what I so desperately needed in here, which is humility. Again, time took time, but over time in here I began to learn to step back and be willing to accept my being willing to do my God’s will for me. Like my friend said, I had to get out of the driver’s seat and go to the back of the bus.
Moreover I had to learn that there is no way I’m in charge of anything, except to be willing to stay sober a day at a time. I know I can develop willingness to carry the AA message to the alcoholic, who suffers. To freely give to them what was so freely given to me. If someone wants me to help them I need to be willing to help them the best I can.
Just like my old sponsor helped me. And the reason he was able to help me the way he did, was because I knew I needed help and was willing to listen and follow his directions to me. Didn’t mean that I was always initially willing. It took my growing in humility to do so. And that was a gift of my Higher Power. I am so grateful for the ego deflation I was given. It helped me to stop suffering from my over grown ego and to begin to practice stepping back and growing in humility.
And, of course, I had to begin to learn the Serenity Prayer and accept that I’m not in control of anyone. The very words that I cannot change anyone are so true. The only one I can change is me. And I have to develop the courage to do so, with the power given to me by the God of my understanding.
Anyway I need to stop now and remember that I’m here to stay sober a day at a time.