I’m always amazed how I’m surprised by other alcoholics, who remind me of my life and my growth in here.. I mean I hear them talking and it reminds me of how I was at the same time I was back then.. Nothing is new.. We all have our struggles, and though we think we know whatever, the truth is that it takes time to get through all these things and grow. I know I often found myself stumbling and bumbling and feeling frustrated and confused.. And a long time later I found out what was going on with me back then. It was like a wake up call and made a lot of sense I didn’t have at the time.
i don’t know why I stopped to think about this today. I think it was the result of a number of things. Things said at meetings and some other things, which I found I picked up along the way. I think it’s because I often want to reach out and help people to grow along lines I have gone through and come out the other side after I have finally begun to grow. Reminds me of how I didn’t know that I didn’t know. Like my old sponsor told me, I only thought I did. Tells me how wise and helpful he was to an idiot like me was back then. Maybe I still am from time to time.
I’m not going through and beating myself or anyone else up. It’s just a reminder to me of how time takes time in working this program and being able to grow up along spiritual lines. I know how resistant I was to doing what I needed to do in here. How often I would find myself thinking I knew what I was doing, only to find out how wrong I was. Along the way I came to discover what my sponsor and those old timers were trying to tell me. There were hidden elements way down inside of me, fostered by my ego and pride, which blinded me from seeing what a control freak I was. I still had to go along way to begin to start to grow in humility. Ugh!
I know from time to time I have told others, in one on one situations, how my faults got me in trouble with myself, and often with others, and how I had to change and what I did.. I often forget that I talked to others about my faults and my stumbling and how I got the help I needed to begin to change. Sometimes I know it has helped me to be able to do this. But I often remember how my sponsor and others told me,, when I found myself tripping up, that I needed to hang in and learn to change. Plus telling me there own experiences and the solutions they were given to help them to move ahead.
I guess this is a good reminder to me that I need to be grateful. I was given so much loving care, that I am amazed by all the compassion I received in here. My hope is that I can be able to give the same kind of love to others like myself, when i know it’s needed from others. As a result of all of this I know that I have been given the gifts I need to stay sober a day at a time. All the gifts I have received from my Higher Power, my old sponsor and others have given me a spiritual awakening and so many other gifts. It has opened the door to allow me to continue to grow in here.. I know I”m still imperfect and know that I have to continue to do what I need to do. That’s because I’m not a saint, but a regular human alcoholic. But I am glad and happy to have been able to go through what I have so far. Just hope I can and will hang in and keep on doing what I need to do to stay sober.