Love is not something I understood growing up and while I was out there drinking alcohol. In fact when I came in and found out that was one of the goals of this program I think I was stunned. My thinking was something like “leave me alone”. However that slowly began to turn around for several reasons. And eventually love began to enter within me and I changed.
Affection was something which I now know was absent growing up. I recognized this through sharing with others in this program. So closeness with others was nothing I was familiar with. Even friendship was a far away concept. So, when I came to this program I had walls around me within. I trusted no one and I was easily angered and very resentful. My thoughts dominated by my emotions were definitely negative.
What really began to change all of this came when my old sponsor got me to read the chapter We Agnostics and opened the door to that Second Step. In fact I resented the name of that chapter because I never thought of myself as an agnostic. Like my sponsor said, I just didn’t know. I only thought I did. However it led to a belief and faith in a Power greater than myself. That and the way my sponsor and others could deflate my ego. The walls began to crumble within me.
Around that same time I heard a very spiritual man, who said there were four important things I had to begin to grasp and begin to live with. The first was perseverance; never to quit. The next was hope, then faith, and finally love. The four of these were to be part of my life. To continue to seek and finally live them. Never to give up but to keep on keeping on.
All of this became coupled with what was going on in this program. The Twelve Steps, my sponsor, all the men and women in here, plus my Higher Power. I began to learn how to really begin to like others. But the one key to much of this was the Twelfth Step. The start of having compassion for others, which I really never felt ever before. The desire to reach out and help another suffering alcoholic like myself.
I look back and really don’t know when I started to change. I know that early on, without knowing it, I began to make a couple of friends, who became people I have truly grown a love for. We are still close today as it seems we have always been. Those experiences began to slowly open the door with others over time. Definitely not something I was used to.
Anyway I was thinking about this today. What an important part this has become in my life. I know that I have grown to love this program and this way of life. It has helped me to stay sober and live a sober life. And from that love has really begun to grow out of all of this. I had to stop and come to see what this is all about. I know this is really not an emotion I’m talking about. It’s a reality I have come to experience, which has helped tie me into this way of life. I have grown in understanding of myself and others, including my Higher Power.
All this makes me grateful for all that I have been given. I’m still sober. Love it. And still alive. Amazing. Can’t help but love it. Have friends. Again I love it. Once again love being sober. Need to say thanks.