One of those things I have to stop and think about from time to time is this spiritual way of life I’m supposed to be living in here. Not an easy thought for someone like me. I never really think of myself as anything spiritual to say the least.
When I came into this program, I was thinking nothing about spirituality. Didn’t matter that I had prayed and asked God to stop me from drinking and he did. The alcohol wasn’t there anymore the next day and it really hasn’t come back.
However, the short term memory was there. I really forgot that I had prayed and that my prayer was answered. I came in here and just went to meetings and didn’t listen or intentionally ignored what was being said, because I think I thought I’ll come here and stay sober and ignore what others are doing.
All went well, or so I thought, until I was talking at a meeting one night and an old timer yelled and told me to “SHUT UP!” He told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. He said that I didn’t know how to stay sober. He said I only knew how to drink alcohol. I was to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth and begin to listen.
It was after that my old sponsor told me I didn’t know that I didn’t know, that I only thought I did. And then he introduced me to the Second Step and that began to change everything. I learned I had to have a spiritual life and began to work these Steps and over time my life has changed. I have been blessed with a restoration to sanity, a spiritual awakening, and all the Promises, and a totally new outlook on life. I have been given blessings beyond my wildest dreams.
I know that I try to pray each morning, the Third Step prayer, and attempt to meditate then, if I can. I try to dedicate my day to staying sober and helping others, and then go to a meeting.
However I still have many moments when my thoughts are anything but spiritual. Not bad thoughts, as such, except when I get caught up in my negative emotions, like anger and resentments, for instance. I just look at myself as a chronic alcoholic. A human being with still existing faults I sometimes stumble over.
I know that I run into moments, when I will say a brief prayer, but my “God thoughts” are never constant. In fact I rarely feel close. All I know is what I said above. I just do what I’ve been told and asked to do. But I do have my own thoughts, none of which are in here. They’re mine.
I do have gratitude for all I have been given. I do thank my Higher Power for all that has been done in helping me to stay sober a day at a time. I also ask for forgiveness when it seems the right thing to do. I sometimes think back to what I learned over the years. I know I just remembered reading something which seemed to pop up, as I was thinking. A long time ago, The Cloud of the Unknown. Hmm. Not a suggestion. Just a thought.
Anyway, I felt I needed to sit down and just thinking about what it is that has continued to help me stay sober and grow in here. I know that there’s no cure for this disease. All I have to do is to remember to stay sober a day at a time. And I truly am grateful.