One thing I learned from my sponsor, and my experience and talking to others, bears this out, is that the spiritual life has its markers. For instance; early on it has its emotional side. There’s often a “pink cloud” experience that many of us have gone through. A period of “first fervor”, where are wills are arrested. Our egos are put aside and we are willing to do anything it takes to stay sober. Someone says “set up the chairs” and we do without a thought or question. “Make the coffee” and instantaneously we make the coffee. Anything to help and help others.
Then comes the ego back into action. All of a sudden we hit the bricks with a bang. We’re back into self will. We feel crestfallen. Life is once again dark and hard. Problems creep in from every side and we remember all the resentments and old angers and some new ones. We’re irritable and dissatisfied. Maybe bored with meetings and the “same old same old” routines we perceive as such.
But as we struggle (and often it is a struggle) to work the steps, life begins to smooth out and some of our old thinking begins to fade. We’re able to pray more and maybe even meditate. As we do, we get little rewards. A pleasant feeling or maybe even a thrill now and then. We “feel” close to the God of our understanding. A spiritual writer once called these “cookies”. It’s like God is giving us cookies.
After a period of time, maybe months, or even years, we begin to “dry up”. It’s like a curtain has come down between us and our God. Sometimes gradually and often suddenly. We stop getting cookies. It’s like we have entered a desert or a wilderness. We feel alone and abandoned. It’s like God has gone to the other side of the Universe. Our hearts seem to turn to stone and prayer becomes an effort. Like lifting lead weights. It’s like we’re talking to ourselves because no one is listening. A sense of depression and despair, gloom has replaced the “radiance” we felt before. We’re tempted to look back and go for the bright lights and “noise”. This is where my sponsor would often say to me, “Grind you SOB, grind!”
Bill W. talks about this phenomenon, when he says that sometimes we can’t seem to pray. He tells us to be patient and to wait until prayer becomes available to us again. The same spiritual writer, who talked about the “cookies” said, that when our hearts turn to stone, that’s when we really learn to pray and what prayer is all about.
If we’re really serious about this spiritual way of life, that we do want to stay sober, we will let go of our willfulness and forge ahead, holding firm to hope and a faith, no matter how weak or useless it may seem. If we do, we will come out the other side into a new way of thinking and dealing with life and the program. We will be different. We no longer will look for or desire “cookies”. Our feet will be planted firmly on the ground. We will have a better sense of balance within. The promises we were told about in the 9th and 10th Steps will be better realized than before. The doubts we had will become less and less important. We’ll just accept what was once unacceptable.
How do I know? Like I said, this has been my experience and the experience many others have shared with me. People, who are committed to this spiritual program of action and sobriety. This is what I have been thinking about for a very long time. I have hesitated to say anything about it until today, because I really know little about spirituality. But this is a little bit I have garnered from my experience over the years. I hope it helps someone, who is struggling.