Learning how to live was so difficult for me, when I came into the program. I assumed that just because I was 42, that I was an adult and knew what life was about. All I had to do was stop drinking and everything would fall into place in my life. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I had no idea how to live my life. I was going to have to start from scratch.
For instance, I was so used to saying to others “I can’t”, that I wasn’t really conscious of what I was saying. I just did it reflexively. I remember saying that to my sponsor one day, when he had made some suggestion to me. I said, “I can’t do that”. His response was immediate. He said, “You mean you won’t. Just say what you really mean. Can’t means you won’t.”
What a revelation that was to me. I wasn’t stupid, or was I? I just did things automatically and had been doing and saying things, which were a guarantee that I would never grow up. I wasn’t even aware. And that was a major impediment to my ever becoming a mature sober human being.
I was thinking about this today and the process, which has brought me to this point in sobriety. I had just witnessed a couple of things, where I saw the very immaturity I suffered myself early on. The automatic response to life’s problems by a couple of alcoholics early in their sobriety. That was me.
Once again I was reminded of what it was that opened the door for me and made me willing to change. It’s right there in the BB. The book tells us that we’re going to have to grow along spiritual lines or suffer and alcoholic death.
Making that choice was what made me willing. It was telling me how I was to get sober or else. I had to find a power other than myself. I had to stop saying “I can’t”. Of course I could, if I wanted to. And I wanted to desperately.
That was the beginning of faith in something I truly didn’t understand. I had no idea of what was ahead of me, but I sure knew what was behind me. Someone once said that they weren’t running toward heaven, but sure were backing up out of hell. That was me, again. I had seen and experienced enough of hell in my drinking. I wanted no more of that.
So, I stopped saying I can’t and started my journey into life. Honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. That’s what was required of me and I learned I could do it. As crippled as I was from my alcoholic living, I began to walk toward the goal of this program: Sobriety and beyond. I got a lot of help in growing up. Others were there to support me in this effort. In the beginning they were my higher power, because they gave me so much hope.
The doctor in the BB said, frothy emotional appeal rarely worked. He was right. Coddling wasn’t going to get me from there to here. I’ve never ever seen it work in this program. The God’s honest truth is what’s needed if we’re ever going to grasp this program. “You poor baby” is only going to convince someone that it’s okay to drink again.
I was just thinking about this and being grateful for those who were willing to confront me and tell me what I needed to hear: The truth.