The life within and the life without. That’s what I have found, as the result of getting sober in AA.
Before, under the influence of alcohol, I had something like that. Except it was in my head. My insane ideas, spurred on by alcohol. A jumble of stuff, constantly streaming through. Then the life without was awful by virtue of what the alcohol within was directing me to do.
Now, under the influence and direction of a spiritual way of life, things are more crisp and clear. Having the solution of a higher power has made it so. The return to sanity, envisioned in the 2nd Step, made actual in the 10th Step, just like the BB said it would, freed me of the desire and obsession to drink alcohol. That’s what unblocked my mind and allowed me a change in attitude. That change was what allowed me to begin the adventure of relating to others in a very real way. Totally unlike what went on before, when all I was capable of was self destruction and ruining one relationship after another.
What was inside me before was a total narcissistic blindness. It was all about me to the exclusion of the real world. Sobriety changed all that…for the most part. For the first time I am aware of others. I became willing to understand the individuals I meet today. And it’s through understanding and tolerance of others that I began to form true relationships. Friendships, which are still active today. I don’t believe I had them before. The distorted love I had of myself has been changed. I can now focus on the group and the individuals in that group with care and affection.
I was thinking about this today, as a result of the meeting and talking to a close friend of mine about this. Part of this is the recognition that, like the BB said, we are not like other people. One of the reasons is, we think, because of our nature as alcoholics to be so totally occupied with ourselves that we think the world revolves around us and not the Sun. We see everything in light of how it affects us. It has been a difficult struggle for me to let go of my self obsession. I now realize that it wasn’t only alcohol that I was obsessed with, but also myself.
Like my friend always tells me, it used to be all about me, but now it’s almost all about me. A slight improvement, but an improvement nevertheless. There’s more room within, making for more room without. Not perfect yet, but it’s progress not perfection, as my old sponsor would remind me.