I love solitude, but hate isolation. The one provides me with the opportunity to pray and meditate. The other a chance to slip into a dry drunk, or worse, a real drunk.
When I isolate myself, it’s because I have reached a point where I can no longer stand others. Usually the groups and the meetings. I have pulled back because of resentments or anger. I’ve refused to depend on my higher power, God and the group. I’m going it alone. I tell myself I don’t need others. I can do it myself.
Just as often isolation can come on gradually. I may be cutting back on my frequency of meetings until I’m no longer going. Again, I have convinced myself I can go it alone. I’ve convinced myself that I am the one keeping myself sober.
In my own experience, I have been tempted to isolate, because I’m tired of the same old same old. Probably, I think, because the ones who are repeating what we all need to hear and remember, bother me in one way or another. There was a brief period, way back, when I thought I knew it all and was smarter than others. I also resented people with time. After all, what did they know?
Solitude on the other hand has become part of my day for the most part. Still going to meetings, mixing, and sharing. But at some time during the day, I often get a chance to just go off by myself. An opportunity to be alone and quiet. It’s in those quiet moments that I get a chance to contemplate on the day and allow myself a moment to practice something of the Tenth and Eleventh Steps.
These moments of solitude are available, because of what this program has done for me. I came here from alcoholically enforced isolation. Isolation where I was lonely and fearful. But since being in the program I have been able to be alone and not lonely. I am comfortable with myself and am able to enjoy moments of solitude.
I’m able to find that these moments of solitude are reinforcement for my sobriety. Moments of clarity where I can think about this program and even moments of research in the literature of AA.
Anyway, I was thinking about these two states of being; solitude and isolation.