It might seem to be a small thing, when I think to myself, about the difference in “-ed” and “-ing”. But in my mind, I don’t think so. For instance, the forward in the first edition of the BB states that the first one hundred men and women have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Further, it says this book is to show how they have recovered.
In my mind, I have always believed the same. I am not a recovering alcoholic. I have recovered. I know my sponsor and some of those old timers believed the same thing. I believe like Fred in More About Alcoholism, that when he committed himself to the program that his problem with alcohol was solved. So with myself.
Sound arrogant? Conceited? I don’t think so. In the same chapter there’s the example of the man who constantly was running out in front of trolley cars and getting injured. No matter what he tried, he continued to pursue the insanity of placing himself in grave danger. Then the question about this being a ridiculous example to compare this to alcoholism. We’re told that no matter how intelligent we may be, when it came to alcohol we were strangely insane.
And that’s where the solution comes in. The Second Step. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I was alcoholically insane, when I came here. And through the practice of AA’s Twelve Steps, I believe I have been restored to sanity. The spiritual awakening.
Being restored to sanity, the BB tells me, is being placed in a position of neutrality, as far as alcohol is concerned. I have no desire to drink and really never think about a drink. Alcohol miraculously holds no attraction for me. And all that I have to do is to maintain my spiritual condition on a daily basis.
As far as I know, and I have been through this with my old sponsor, I have no reservations. Meaning that if something dire comes up I may drink again. Or some huge triumph either.
To me that’s pretty much what recovering means to me. I have run into this too many times over the years. Too many people constantly saying that they think about a drink. I may sound too judgmental, but what happened to the spiritual awakening? That restoration to sanity. The relief I sought, when I came to AA. The solution to my alcoholism and the insanity I suffered from.
Recovering to me seems to be close to being on the fence. I know that others may think I’m being too radical in my opinions. But I’m convinced, though I know I’m still powerless over alcohol, that I never want to drink again. I respect the power of alcohol, though I don’t fear it. I know full well for me to drink again means to die an alcoholic death. I also believe that I have been blessed and relieved of this problem…still one day at a time.
I was told that we recover first physically, then mentally, then spiritually. I was also told that when we start that journey back to a drink, that the spiritual goes first, then the mental, and the last thing we do is hang on by our finger nails physically. I also read in the BB that there may come a time, when we may have no mental defense against that first drink. I experienced that one time about a year and a half in the program. The only thing that saved me was the spiritual. I was told to go pray and I did and it never came back. I pray that it never does.
I’ll end this with this thought: What do I know? I’m just another drunk. Just thinking