It’s amazing how hard it is to get rid of some of our most damaging character defects. In How It Works, it says that two things we won’t get rid of overnight is our selfishness and self centered-ness. Not over night. Not over weeks, months, or even years.
Today I got a dose of mixed feelings. Ego inflation in depth and ego deflation in depth. Getting cheers on the one hand can get the blood pounding. Then a reality check can bring me right down and into perspective. I can get cut down to size, when I’m able to see what is going on.
Today I received my chip for 38 years in the program. Hooray for me! Ooops. Wait a minute. I didn’t get this overnight. It was one day at a time…and, wait a minute. I didn’t do this alone. The real heroes in this story are my sponsor, all the old timers, who had to put up with me in the beginning, but who supported and propped me up so that I could stay sober. All my AA friends, the people in the meetings, both in Md. and where I live today have helped me to stay sober. Hundreds and hundreds of people have been involved.
Maybe I should have had a chip melted and printed up for everyone in the room today. After all there was no way I could have gotten here by myself. I should have stood up and clapped and cheered for everyone I have had the honor and privilege to know over the years I have been sober.
This is not false modesty. It’s the real truth. Certainly I’m not that whiny, complaining brat, who entered this program. A supercilious know it all, who felt inferior and superior to everyone in the rooms. There have been changes. Some elements of humility. But always lurking is the egotist.
I’m glad that everyone today had as much fun and laughs, when my name came up. They were almost hysterical, when a chant went up “It’s all about Ned”. Thank God I got a chance, a free ticket to laugh at myself, along with the crowd. A lot of good humor to take me down to where I belonged. See, these are the people, who are not about to bow down and worship a false idol. No pedestal to stand on and fall off.
Instead I got a chance to enjoy the moment and to sincerely thank everyone I have ever known for the chance to still be alive, sober, and aware that I’m in the hands of my higher power…the group and the God of my understanding. A moment to be grateful and realize that I’m just another drunk. No better and no worse than anyone in the room.
In truth it’s just another day to stay sober. Others got chips. A month, three months, eight years, nine years, ten years, and thirty-two years. How great is that? I was not alone. Sober together and helping one another and carrying the message that anyone can get sober, if they are willing to do what we did. And that we don’t have to do it alone. There is a solution. And it’s just for today.
Anyway, I had to sit down and think about this when I got home. I am grateful for what I have. Who wouldn’t be? It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I just needed to clear the crap out of my head and see what’s really going on