One of the hardest things I had to learn was how to get out of myself. For all my crazy stuff I did, while I was drinking, I retreated back within myself, when I came in. I found out how painfully shy I was and how hard it was to open up to people around me.
Something happened to me today, which reminded me of what I was like early on. I was in a store and I thought I was alone in an aisle, when a thought struck me, which I didn’t want to get involved with and I told myself to shut up. Except I said it out loud. It was then I turned and saw someone standing right next to me and thought “there you go again”. Except this time I wasn’t embarrassed. It was all right as far as I was concerned. I just laughed at myself and went on.
How did I get from the beginning to this point? My sponsor used to describe alcoholics as insecure, immature, and oversensitive. I knew that I fit that description. Then he would tell me that I had to develop a thick skin. I was going to have to get over and outgrow those three things. And I did.
I think it all began with the Fourth and Fifth Steps. When I could no longer be telling others all these “war stories”. I had to tell the truth about me to the best of my ability. Lying was going to have to stop. I had to change. That’s where the Second Step came in, as well as the Third. A belief in something greater than myself on whom I could depend. Self reliance, as far as it went with me, had to go.
With the help of the group I began to learn to laugh at myself. I really never realized I had begun to do that until someone once pointed out to me that I was “putting myself down”. I think I laughed when they said that, because I realized that I was okay with that thought. The oversensitivity I suffered from was gone. I had begun to learn not to worry what others thought about me.
All this took time, but it was the result of putting this program into action. Someone pointed out today that the key to all of this was willingness on my part. When I wasn’t willing, I had to ask for the willingness to be willing. I balked at so much, but the willingness would always show up, when I needed it.
Anyway, I was thinking about being open and how that’s helped me along the line to stay sober.