As I was thinking this morning a couple of things came up. One of them was the second part of the First Step…That our lives were unmanageable.
That thought led to the prayer I had said. Relieve me of the bondage of self. And there it was. Who’s in charge?
I had to think about those moments, when my self centered brain takes over and I decide how to run the show. My life. I’m back in charge and I, without thinking rationally, am denying once again that my life is unmanageable. I’m taking back my prayer, to be relieved of the bondage of self.
If anything it is really going back and attempting to negate the first part of that First Step, something I never want to do. That I’m powerless over alcohol or anything else. I do realize that I can make up my mind to work this program and that I am responsible for maintaining my sobriety. But those thoughts, when I’m aware of them, make clear one thing the Second and Third Steps. My commitment to my Higher Power.
I have to admit and realize Who really is in charge. After all, I believe it was my Higher Power, who did for me what I had been unable to do in all those years drinking. I really believe I had a spiritual awakening five days before I came into the program. On my own I could never have ended that craving, the mental obsession I had for alcohol. The insanity. I am aware of just how powerless I was, and still am, over alcohol. The need for a drink has been arrested and has been for all this time since it was removed from me. I didn’t do that. I couldn’t.
I also know that, when my defects, particularly my pride and my self centered nature rise up, that I’m headed toward problems I’m often unable to take care of by myself. That’s why I really need to stay aware of who and what I am and where I am. Where my feet are and stay in the present moment always. To remember I just have today. I don’t have the future and the past is over.
That’s where the last three Steps need to come to the front of my mind. The Tenth to let me know just how I’m doing. Where am I right and where am I wrong. Complete honesty. And then being able recognize my commitment to my Higher Power and my need for Him. And then to place my primary purpose in the front of my mind. And then become grateful for all that’s been given to me.
Anyway just thinking about sobriety again and how important it is in my life today.