This morning and probably yesterday I couldn’t help but think of a relatively new person the group was talking to. I remember, as I sat there, that my mind went back to probably what it was like for them at this time in their life. I certainly knew from the expression on their face and their eyes what they were going through. At least I thought I did. I spoke to them briefly afterward and pretty much think I was right on the money.
What it made me think of was what I was like at the same time. I know I was exactly what my sponsor told me I was. Immature, insecure, and oversensitive. Perfect description. I could see the fear and anxiety in the person I’m talking about. That was me.
But there was another person, who spoke up, who has been around a while now, who expressed anger about the spiritual life. And I knew exactly where they were at also. Been there, done that, and screwed up everything for a while. They reminded me of my belief that I knew everything and was critical of everyone in the group. What a let down that was to learn that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And to top it off I had an extensive education in theology, philosophy, and other subjects relating to this stuff. That’s when I was told that I was educated beyond my intelligence…and they were right on the money. That was me and I got just what I needed. Ego deflation in depth, as Dr. Harry Tiebout said we needed.
What I really was thinking about was how immature I was back at the beginning. I had come into these rooms around 14 years old emotionally. I was actually in my early forties, but alcohol had arrested my growth within. I had no idea how to handle anything in my life without a drink. Not a clue how to relate to others. In fact I was paranoid. Thought if other members were standing together on the other side of the room and laughing, it was about me and made me angry. Immature, insecure, and oversensitive, just as I was told.
What I learned from my sponsor and those old timers was that I was going to have to begin to learn the basics of life, which I had missed. How to grow up, mature, develop a thick skin, and stop being oversensitive. To learn how to handle my emotions in a grown up, adult manner. Plus I had to come to acquire a mature faith. To have some humility. To cut my ego down to a manageable place. To recognize that my life was unmanageable, as it said in the First Step.
And there it was. The Steps. The Big Book. The 12&12. The meetings, Those old timers and my sponsor. Their sharing their experiences, strengths, and their hopes. As I surrendered to each Step and accepted what they said and were trying to teach me, I slowly began to change. Not an overnight event. It took years actually. I not only had to learn, but I had to practice what I had learned. I had to change.
None of this was easy for a stubborn mule like myself. I look back and am so grateful for those tough old timers. They were willing to stop me in the middle of my junk and tell me to shut up and learn to listen. They cut me down to size and told me where I was wrong and messing my life up. Often hard to swallow at the time, but somehow I recognized what they were doing was good for me. Where that came from I could only guess. My Higher Power I think. And their examples were perfect for the klutz I was, when I came in.
Anyway I thought that new individual could and would benefit from all that was being offered to them, if they would surrender and accept. Not easy to say the least but necessary. To listen as only the dying can listen. That’s the way I learned it. It’s in the First Step in the 12&12 and right on the money. Was for me.
Anyway made me stop and think and made me grateful to be where I am today.