A good friend of mine brought up a very good subject for us to discuss. Probably one of the most difficult aspects of my life, drinking or sober. Especially sober. The reason it has been so difficult for someone like me for one thing is my ego. My self centered nature. My selfishness. I mean that’s what I dragged through the doors of this program with me.
Oh, yeah. The subject? Acceptance. I mean, here I was all my life not a person, who easily accepted anything. I was never obedient as a child. Compliant but not obedient. Compliant in religion, the seminary, the military. Never obedient. Underneath my surface was a rebel waiting to happen. And often it did. Accept things? Never.
Then I arrived here and it was like I got slapped in the face. What was I faced with? Accepting everything presented to me in here. I had no trouble accepting I was powerless over alcohol. Alcohol had driven me down to my knees in pain and despair. A darkness within me where light could never get in. Black inside. I was ready to kill myself rather than go on. Drinking alcohol owned me. I saw no way out, until someone came and gave me hope and turned the light on within for the first time in years.
I didn’t know what was wrong and then found out I had a disease called alcoholism. Until I read the Doctor’s Opinion I had no idea. And when I saw what it was and that it was a deadly disease with no cure, somehow I accepted it. No thought at all. Just was or is.
But then came the blow to my ego and my rebellious nature. The Second Step. The spiritual way of life. Everything inside of me became riotous. No way, I thought. And yet it wasn’t too long after I was here, maybe a month or two. when I surrendered and accepted. At least began the process. And that’s because I learned that I needed to live a spiritual way of life or die an alcoholic death. I had no argument left, when I stopped and thought about my options. Either stay sober or end up drinking and dying from drinking alcohol. I had been there before and knew I didn’t want to go back.
Took some time to begin to accept completely this idea. A Higher Power and a spiritual way of life. Yet for some reason I finally did. But then I ran into the Third Step and the rebellion began again. No way. I mean I felt I had gone far enough. All kinds of arguments were going on inside of me. And yet I felt the pressure of what happened while I was out there drinking. Guilt and remorse were beginning to press me up against a wall. Fear of drinking again began to seep into my mind. And then a member in here opened the door. What’s God’s will for me she asked her sponsor. The other nine Steps the sponsor replied and all of a sudden it was a fact. Once again I had accepted.
What I didn’t know was happening was that the walls I had built around me to keep others away from me were beginning to collapse. Totally unaware. I mean I knew that I was in a state of confusion, yet little by little things were beginning to make sense. I was beginning to get the notion that I was going to have to change, if I wanted to stay sober. Like Dr. Tiebout said, the alcoholic needed to have his ego deflated in depth. Somehow I was going to have to learn to have humility. Not easy for a huge ego like mine. An argumentative ego. The rebel without a cause.
And then the time came when I found myself part of this program, buying the program for all that it was worth. Willing to go to any lengths to never drink again. To put these Steps into action. None of this was an overnight event. Time definitely took time for me. One of the things, which helped was that I learned that I had this disease for the rest of my life. I wasn’t to stall in working the program, but I didn’t have to rush to get things done. But to do what I needed to continue to grow along spiritual lines.
Anyway I shared my thoughts with my friend. Imagine. I was willing to talk about this. Thinking back to how I used to be, that would have seemed impossible. And yet here I was sharing my thoughts with someone else. My being willing to surrender and then accept. Absolutely amazing.
Yet I still have to laugh. I know deep down within that the little rebel is still there. Every once in a while I want to say “no”. No way. And then I go to meetings, talk with another alcoholic, share and listen. Pray and meditate. Work with another alcoholic. And what happens? The Serenity Prayer. The serenity to accept that which I cannot control. Over which I have no power. And there I am accepting that. What a wonderful life I have found in sobriety. I am so grateful.