I remember one of the hardest parts of getting sober for me was my inability to forgive myself for all that went on, while I was drinking. I do remember my sponsor coming over and trying to help me. He said that God had forgiven me, man had forgiven me, why couldn’t I forgive myself? I had no answer. All I knew was that I felt terrible.
Guilt and remorse drove me to do my first Fourth and Fifth Step in about my third or fourth month in here. I needed to lighten the load within me. I had this feeling I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was afraid that if I didn’t get some relief I would drink again and that scared the daylights out of me.
Looking back I now realize that I had a closed mind and it was stuck. One of the things I needed to do was to get an open mind and an open heart and to listen to my sponsor and those old timers. The other was to come to believe in a Power greater than myself and to grow in hope and faith. And that’s what happened as I began to practice these Steps in my life.
I opened my eyes and took the blinders off and began to hear and see what I needed to. The other was becoming willing to begin to do what I could to pass this program onto the newcomers. Fortunately for me there were no rehabs back then and I was being taken out on all kinds of opportunities to try and help others. I gave them rides to meetings and listened to their stories and I tried to share mine with them.
I was talking to a young man, who was struggling with this today and told him my story. I also told him it wasn’t until the Ninth Step that I got the relief I sought. We talked about the need for learning patience and keeping our minds in today rather than yesterday. And I talked about my own experience and where I am today.
I still think it’s amazing, when I look at all of this that I am where I am today. I can only hope, as I try to pass the program on to another alcoholic like myself, who is relatively new, that that part of the Third Step prayer is being answered. That my difficulties are being removed so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of my Higher Power’s love, His power, and way of life. I can only hope.
Need to say I’m grateful for the opportunity to try to help someone else. That’s what sobriety has given me.