Talking about honesty today. Rigorous. Hard. Tough.
We had a lot of talk about how difficult it was for them to get honest. In a way it was that way for me also. Except there came a time in which I got the message. The first was that what was necessary for me to get honest with myself and others was the spiritual way of life. Without that I probably never had a chance. And of course I probably would have gotten drunk again and died.
Then there was the truth about all of this. And that was it was going to take time for me to arrive at that point I needed to achieve. Not an overnight event. Like the sign says, Time Takes Time. And like everything else in this life in sobriety I would have to work toward these goals the best I could at any given moment.
I look back at all of this and when I try to bring up whatever it was that I was trying to do, I never seemed to be able to pull up an accurate picture of it. Whatever it was. I mean I can go back and fairly well recount events, because unfortunately I never really had the blessing of blackouts. I had them, but they were brief at best. So things I wish I could forget I will find right in front of my face giving me the shiver at times. But trying to define lies I told I can only pull up when someone asked me a question I felt uncomfortable in answering. I probably told a lie.
My concept of dishonesty was that it was more internal than external. I was I know able to lie to myself all day long. That’s what made me so uncomfortable when I arrived here. What came out of my mouth might have been a lie. I don’t know, like I said, looking back. But I know that, when I was introduced to the Second Step, I really began to feel tortured within. I knew that I was going to have to get honest with my Higher Power. And that wasn’t going to be easy for me because I had such guilt within. Fear played a big part in all of this.
The Steps led me through most of this. I became more aware of what a confused mind I had and the fact that most of the life I led internally was immature. And like my sponsor defined me as being insecure, immature, and oversensitive. Controlled by my emotions.
And this is where I really had to become honest. I was going to have to face myself and grow up. Not an easy task for someone suffering the insanity left over from my alcoholism.
And that’s exactly where all these changes have taken place. Within for the most part. I can look at myself today and know that I’m not that same person, who came through these doors. That’s the truth. I know that because I’m not living the same way, or doing the same things, or thinking the same old thoughts that I had in the past. Is it rigorous? I really don’t know. But I do know that I am more comfortable with myself. I definitely like myself and others around me.
However I know that I’m not done yet. How easily I can find myself stumbling and fumbling in here from time to time. Often because I have forgotten. Not that I’m an alcoholic, but just because I’m human. I’m not cured yet. Never will be.
As I have been reminding myself recently I know that’s it’s important to begin each day with a positive attitude and the Second and Eleventh Steps. I realize how much of my life and my sobriety is dependent on my Higher Power. I also know how much I need to depend on my fellow alcoholics in this program and open the door to all of them, when I can. And to remember that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Not always easy, but do-able.