Fear. Now there’s a lively subject for people like us. Alcoholics. How often we come into this program, attempting to get sober, and find ourselves filled with fear. Fear of falling back into drinking again, fear of those around us at meetings, fear of what’s ahead of us, fear that the program might be too hard, fear that we don’t understand. Fear, fear, fear.
That was the subject today. Lots of those there responded to that. All kinds of thoughts and the fact that fear might still come up from time to time, even with those in long term sobriety. After all we have found out that despite the spiritual program and it’s solutions we’re still human.
In fact after the meeting I talked to the person, who brought it up. I told them what one of my early sponsors did for me, when I was filled with fear nearing panic. I think I was about a year in the program, when I was suddenly hit with the fear of dying. Don’t have any idea where that came from, but there it was deep within me. He took me to my bedroom and pointed at the bed. He said he was going to show me what his sponsor did for him. He told me to imagine that there was a shoe box on the bed. I was to imagine that I was taking the top off of the box. Then I was to place the fear I had into that box and put the top back on. Then I was to tell my Higher Power I was giving this fear to him and leaving it there. Then I was to leave. And we did. The amazing thing is that the fear was gone. It never returned and I never questioned what had happened.
Then as we finished talking I met someone, who had called me and asked if they could spend some time with me. They wanted to talk about their problems. I felt it was a blessing that I would be privileged to listen to them. Part of the program as I had learned it from my sponsor and other old timers, who had shared their time with me. Compassion as I was taught.
We spent the afternoon together, sharing with one another. And, of course, fear was a major part of the conversation. I could see myself in a lot of what was said. That gave me a lot I could share with them. About what I had learned in here. Not that they hadn’t heard the same things, but just that over time it’s so easy for us to forget and lose these things. Their problem was that they couldn’t go to meetings because of one of their physical problems. So it wasn’t their fault that these things had happened to them. But I reminded them what I was told that I was responsible for working on my staying sober. They understood. No problem there. What a great reminder for me.
We talked about things I need to pay attention to myself. One of those was to stop projecting into the future. To stay in the now. Today where I am at the moment. And to not get caught up drifting back into the past. Again to pay attention to the moment we’re in. I remember my sponsor prompting me to remember the present moment and not going any further. He had to help me with that time and time again.
We also talked about how fear can cause us to slip into all kinds of emotions beyond itself.
Emotions, which control our minds and thinking. And just as often our actions. How fear can be turned into anger and resentments against others. Taking our minds away from the fear and heading us toward the possibility of a drink. And then we talked about the Second Step. The need for hope and faith and trust in our Higher Power and getting relief from him. Learning to realize that I have no control over these kinds of feelings once they have taken over.
Often I have to remind myself that I am human. I still have faults and weaknesses and can very easily stumble and trip myself up. I have to remind myself to pay attention to where I am at the moment. Not to where my emotions want me to go. I still have a power I can use at this moment. I can control my attitude. I can change my negative attitudes to positive. All I have to do is to want to do it and just do it. A positive attitude, with the help of my Higher Power, can change my mood in no time, if I will just do it.
I have often done just that and discovered it not only quieted my fears down, it often just removed them.
The other things we talked about was how working with others and sharing can change us, if we really want to change. I told them how much I was helped by my sponsor and other old timers, who helped me through a lot of painful periods in here. These were not over night events. Went on through the years. And it helped me to become more open with those around me. I never want to forget all of that. It made me grateful just thinking about all of this.
When I got home I had to sit down and begin to think and meditate on this day. I know that I was helped by everyone and everything today. I know that this person I was just thinking about gave me an awful lot. I couldn’t help but think about what a privilege meetings like this are for me. In fact, as I write this, it reminded me of what I urged them to do. To get a notebook and to sit down and write their thoughts and meditations. How it helps me to stay focused with my mind on sobriety.
Anyway I just had to do what I’m doing at the moment, because it’s one way I can express my gratitude for all the help I have been given. Part of my expressing my thoughts on my staying sober today.