One of the most amazing things for me, as a result of getting sober and putting this program into action, is what happened. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person, who came through these doors. Talking about beyond my wildest dreams. Who would have thought this would happen?
The subject of change came up today and it was well covered by all of those in attendance. I know it hit me right where I needed to be hit. Like a wake up call. Makes me laugh, when I say this. Usually, when I’m called on, someone always says “Wake up!”.
I need to be reminded from time to time that I have changed. Particularly when it comes to emotions. That’s due to my sponsor and old timers of years ago. Especially since this was something they always remarked on at meetings and in one on one sessions. They were well aware of the damage our emotions could bring on. Especially driving some out the doors and back into taking a drink again.
I know that I changed in a lot of ways. I had the restoration to sanity, where alcohol was placed in a position of neutrality with me. Like the BB said I would recoil from it as I would from a hot stove. I remember that, when I was working the Ninth Step. I can recall that moment when I stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol. The spiritual awakening. And then came the promises.
But, going back to the damage our emotions can wreak on us, like I said, I remember those old timers years back, when they would tell us that we needed to place the intellect over the emotions. My sponsor would particularly emphasize the need for me to learn how to put these emotions away from my mind. He warned me that they could really be hazardous for someone like me. I was to learn to think with my head and not my heart, as he put it.
And that had a lot to do with my introduction into the spiritual way of life. The Second Step. I learned from this way of life that I had a Higher Power, who could do for me what I could never do for myself. One of the changes, which resulted from this was that I began to give up my trying to control that which I had no power over, which was really pretty much of everything. Over time I learned how to back off and allow my Higher Power to change me. Like they often said in here that I was to let go and let God. God as I understood him.
I say that because I also learned another change. I was not here to try to get others to believe whatever it was I believed. The BB gave me the instructions that I was to step back and let the new person to come to believe in whatever made sense to them. This program offers any alcoholic to come in and become a member and get sober no matter what they believe or don’t believe. Our founders went through a lot of effort to open this program this way. It’s up to each individual to apply themselves to this spiritual way of life as they are able. As a result we all have a spiritual awakening. To me it’s amazing what happens. The result is that we all can come in and get sober and stay sober. To never drink again is for me a miracle.
I was talking to a friend after the meeting about these changes within me. I told him the same thing he told me. That when we came in we were filled with fear, which expressed itself as paranoia in a lot of ways. I mean we both felt that others standing away from us would be talking and we both thought they were talking about us. Often when they got laughing I thought they were laughing at me. That’s gone. Hasn’t been there for many many years.
I also told him that, if those people I knew back then, when I was drinking, could meet me today they wouldn’t recognize me or know who I am. I’ve changed that much. And I know the truth of that, as I know many in here have expressed almost the same thing. It’s part of my staying sober.
Anyway I wanted to think about all of this. It’s really important that I be able to see myself as I really am and not get caught up in my emotions of worry, fear, anger, depression, despair, resentments, and all these things, which can cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and take me back to a drink again. Because I have changed with the help of my Higher Power and the people I have come to know in here, I am really grateful.
But I also need to remind myself that because I’m still a human being, I have my weaknesses and can find myself stumbling and fumbling in this program. That’s why I need this spiritual way of life. My Higher Power and people, who can help me to continue to change and get me back on track. Thanks so much for that.