Thinking back into my own history in this program, on how difficult it was at times. I can remember so many seeming road blocks, which turned out not to be so. Didn’t mean that they were easily overcome. Not so. But I always learned something I needed to know.
One of those things I learned was that I could stay sober despite the difficulties I was going through. That definitely was one of the rewards for me. After I would come out the other side of what I was experiencing I would someplace along the line all of a sudden find that I hadn’t even thought of a drink in all the time I was under so much pressure.
Of course, no matter what I was going through, I always found that there were those who would make themselves available to share with me and be willing to walk me through whatever it was I was undergoing. The willingness of others to help me often more than I expected. I have often thought of all of this as part of the spiritual program we are trying to live in here.
The reason all of this came up was because someone was going through some very difficult things. All of them familiar. However I wasn’t about to go through the details, a lot of which have faded over time. But I did offer some of what was given to me back then. One of which was to stay in the day. Not to go any further ahead than the moment. To remember that tomorrow will come in time. But not at the moment.
This where I had to learn to practice the spiritual side of this program. To learn to start my day by turning over all that I could not handle on my own to my Higher Power. To develop the hope and faith I needed, despite the fact that the future was out of my hands and my sight. And I had to learn to change my attitude from negative to positive.
I had this person laughing at this point, when I told what I often do to accomplish that. In the morning, when I find myself passing a mirror, to look in the mirror at myself, stick my tongue out at myself and say, “You klutz, you’re nuts!”. And then I laugh at myself. The result is that I find myself smiling and am able to begin my day in a positive way. Other times I can go back and tell myself a funny story I have laughed at before and find myself doing just that. Laughing. And, of course, be prepared to meet and greet others with a smile. And just as often, when I do, they return those smiles and that is a lift up for me.
The positive attitude is something which helps me control my emotions. On the other side of this is the negative attitude, which introduces negative emotions to take charge of my thinking and acting. When I get caught up in that process I find myself in a very very troubled position, which can eventually lead down the wrong road for this alcoholic. One of them is being torn up with anger and resentment. And I never want to forget what I’ve seen happen to some alcoholics I have known, who have gone back out and gotten drunk and died as a result. Like the BB says, cut off from the sunlight of the spirit.
We talked about all of this. After all our defects are still under the surface and can come back in the blink of an eye, when I run into difficulties. And that’s when I need to take the walls down and talk to someone I know and respect. I need to get out of my own way. There are times we all go through, when I am definitely need the help of a Power greater than myself and the members of this program. For me that starts with going to meetings and not putting my problems out into a meeting. But to come in and be quiet and listen. There’s time enough after meetings to talk to someone. I don’t need opinions as advice, or psychobabble. I need the principles of this program to refresh my mind.
How often I can remember going to meetings, during these hard times, weighted down with feelings. It was a great reminder to me that, sitting in meetings with a sense of being overwhelmed, I would begin to experience a melting away of those weights on my shoulders and my mind. Often by the end of meetings like that I would find myself freed of this kind of heavy pressure. I could get up and be part of all that was going on around me.
And just as often I was able to find someone I could talk to and they willing to talk to and share with me. Often I would do that with my sponsor or another old timer.
Anyway today I began to recall much of this conversation and needed to stop and think about all of this. A reminder to me of why I am here. To stay sober. To be aware of what is going on in my life. Just as often it seems that someone will step in and tell me what’s going on with them and wake me up to the fact that this is about life in this program. And that in spite of what is going on my primary purpose is always to stay sober. When I know that then I can then begin to deal with other things in my life. Always aware that I have the help of my Higher Power available to me, if I will but stop and ask for the help I need. And then I have the help of others, because I’m aware that I cannot stay sober by myself. I need the meetings to listen to others and to express my gratitude for all that I have been given.