When I talk about my sobriety I usually refer to my old sponsor Tom L. He was the key to so much of my recovery. I have never forgotten him and I don’t want to. He gave me so much. So did his widow. And of course so many of those old timers.
However I don’t think I have ever taken the time to tell too many others about the importance of sponsors and the need we all have to get one. Looking back at my coming into the program I sometimes wonder why I never stopped to think about that. Just tells me how much assumptions are not good. We all need this kind of help, if it is available to us. I know of situations where it wasn’t.
When I came in I tried to avoid talking to too many others and came to meetings deliberately late. Always five minutes after the meeting started and left five or ten minutes before they ended. And then after a while I was leaving early one night and found my way out blocked by a big man, who said to me, “Oh, another forty-five minute meeting again?” I turned around and went back in and found one man sitting by himself near the stage in our meeting hall and went over to him to avoid what I thought were the old timers. Before I left him I asked him, to avoid others, if he would sponsor me.
I had no idea who he was or what he could do to help me. Over time I discovered he wasn’t too much into the Steps. Looking back I think I could say he was a “two stepper”. The First and the Twelfth. He had me out with him almost all the time on Twelfth Step calls. Back when I came in there were no rehabs, detoxes, and hospitals didn’t treat alcoholism, so alcoholics in need were always available.
Then one day he took off and drank again as the result of a deep resentment he had. He got drunk and died shortly after. That got my attention. And that’s when my second sponsor stepped into my life. Talk about a miracle.
Fortunately he was around all the time, because he lived down the street from me and so he would go out of his way to talk to me. He knew my first sponsor and probably had his own thoughts about him. In fact he and his wife and I and one other man were the only members there to attend his funeral.
As friendly as my second sponsor was, he was definitely the kind of man, who was not going to hesitate to tell me the truth, which he always did. He confronted me when I needed to hear the truth about myself and my sobriety. I often remembered showing up at a meeting and him asking me, as I came through the door, how I was doing. I would reply, “Good.” and he would slam me with, “You’re full of s….!” And of course he was right. He knew how to get the truth out of me.
I also remember at work, where I ran a department, I had a young man I Twelfth Stepped working for me and I became his sponsor. When my sponsor discovered that he deflated my ego, as he often did, by telling me I was in the wrong in this case. He said I “owned” this man’s job and on top of that was his sponsor and if he were to slip back into a drink I probably would fire him. I had to make sure the young man went out and got a new sponsor and to leave his alcoholism and sobriety in the hands of his Higher Power, his group, and his new sponsor.
I think it’s not only important that we all get a sponsor, who will help us get sober, but can stand back from us enough not to become an intimate friend, which could put them in the position of being embarrassed and hesitate if they had to tell us the truth. I know my sponsor never hesitated to do what he knew he should do. I can remember how he was willing and able to deflate my ego in depth. I owe him so much gratitude for his doing that. I know I definitely needed to have that done to me. I know it started when he told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know, I only thought I did. And he was the one who told me that I was insecure, immature, and over sensitive. And he was right on both times. Hard to swallow, but the truth. I discovered this is exactly what I needed when he did this kind of thing.
I look back and know that I owe so much of my sobriety to his efforts to help me straighten out my life and to put this program into action. I never lost my respect for him ever, nor his widow, who was also in the program as least as long as he was. I stayed in touch with her over the years after his death and she often helped me when I needed it.
I think there’s another reason I had to get a sponsor. It demonstrated to me that I needed this commitment to help me to stay sober. Like the First Step, I had to continue to learn how to surrender. I never wanted to drink again and I had to do whatever it was that I needed to do and this is one of those steps. To get a sponsor and become willing to do whatever it took. I did and I have never regretted doing this. It’s what we all have to do, if we want to stay sober. Part of that I can’t stay sober by myself.
Anyway this was one of the subjects of our meeting for a man, who asked the question about his need to get a sponsor. Just another reminder for me about my staying sober. Once again it reminds me of my thoughts on gratitude. I thank Tom in my head and my heart often, his wife also and many others. Most of all my Higher Power, whom Tom introduced me to. Many thanks.