Sometimes I find myself amazed at how imperfectly I have worked this program and am still around and still sober. I was thinking about this today. We were talking about the Fourth Step and others were saying how imperfectly they worked this Step in the beginning. Amazing.
One thing for sure was what we were all told so long ago, that the only Step we can work perfectly is the First. That’s because the pain which drove us in here was so severe that we were willing to do whatever it took to stop drinking and living the life we were living. I know it was that way for me. But looking back at that I know that I am so grateful I was able to go through that. It saved my life and my sanity. It was what got me sober.
The rest of the Steps don’t have that “pain” drive that the First had. The First was a life or death suffering. Though the rest may be preceded by anguish until we make the decision needed to go through them, the truth is that it doesn’t even come close to the First.
After I had gone through some “intellectual” arguments about some of these I later discovered that this was my self centered ego trying to control and run this program “my way”. It was also driven by my lack of understanding about how I had to live this spiritual way of life. Again my over sized ego.
All this makes me grateful for the last three Steps. Especially the Tenth. For me that’s the one which often hits me in the face with my dumb errors in putting this program into action. Grateful for it though, because it allows me to take care of my carelessness. All that caused because of how dumb I was when I came through these doors. I may have convinced myself that I knew more than those around me when I started. But over time I had to learn just how insane that kind of thinking was.
I also have to be reminded from time to time that I’m not the judge of myself. I used to get a better view of how I was doing from my old sponsor. He seemed to be able to put me into balance as far as my program and my sobriety. Glad he was there to help me to do so. That imbalance often comes from my self centered thinking. That part of my ego which tells me that I’m not living up to some kind of standard. Probably a standard set by me.
And here is where I have to remember to share with others, who can help me to put things in balance, like my sponsor did. And the Eleventh Step is the first part of that. Prayer and meditation. Bringing my Higher Power into the picture. The strength and help I have been given by him in helping me to stay sober. But I also need to be able to work that Twelfth, where I get the opportunity to work with the new man and see myself once again, as I was when I came in here. Then not to forget about meetings and all those in this program, who have helped me to stay on track and sober. I cannot do this alone.
Just another day to stop and think about this program and staying sober.