Something struck me last night and is still there. Actually it began with a friend who remarked in yesterday’s meeting about the questions at the beginning of the Eleventh Step, referring back to the Tenth. After the review of our day it makes a statement about that. A warning for all of us. We’re told that we must not drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection.
After having talked to a number of people this week I wondered was this what I was listening to? How easy it is to get caught up in our emotions what our life has been like over a period of time. I know from my past that I have gone through this kind of self punishment. It’s something I have come to understand I need to avoid. If and when we do get caught up in this kind of thinking it can begin to carry over in time and drag us down into a dark place we shouldn’t go.
On the previous page it tells us that we are not to rest on our laurels. However we are not to pull ourselves down on the other side of ourselves, over-blaming ourselves. We have to find a balance in all of this. I know what I have had to do over time is not dwell upon my failures and ask for the forgiveness I believe I need and then get on with my life. To put this program into action in my life each and everyday I wake up. To do what I have to do to stay sober. To get out of myself and to practice this spiritual way of life in all of my affairs. To pray and ask for help.
Again I’m reminded that I am not a saint but a human being. An alcoholic who has to ask my Higher Power to help me to rid myself of this over sized self centered ego and wanting to do things my way and not His. That kind of thinking is still on the edge of me. But it gets better with time and practice in here, as I put this program into action. But I still have this disease. I’m not cured, nor will I ever be. It will be with me until the end of my life. There is no graduation from this program. It’s just a day at a time. And I must apply what I have learned in here to my life and my sobriety.
However I know from my sponsor and others that I cannot stay sober by myself. I need the help of those like myself and that’s why I need to go to meetings on a regular basis. I have to hear what others have to tell me. I need to listen and learn. I know I can easily forget what I need in my life to help me to stay sober. I also need to try to practice working with others. I have to share with those I have come to know and trust in here. I’ve learned that over time and I know I need to exercise compassion and listen to them in turn.
And I also know that I have to have a positive attitude and not a negative attitude. I learned in here from my sponsor and those old timers that I need to start each day on a positive note. I know from my own experience that failure to do so can definitely send me down the wrong road on any given day. It can get me into useless worry, fear, and often drag me down into guilt and self condemnation. I was told that when I find this happening to me that I need to stop my day and start it over again.
That’s why I have to be aware of the help I can only get from my Higher Power. The strength I need to stay sober. I have to continue to ask for power I lack. The will to accept my being powerless over people, places, and things. I always remember what it says in the BB. Lack of power was our dilemma. The need to put the Second Step into my life. What opened the door to my staying sober through this program.
Anyway I was reminded of all of this and how I need to stay aware of just why I’m here. To stay sober and put this program into action this day. Makes me grateful I have been given the grace to live this life. I know it makes me happy and peaceful to be here. Often reminds me of what that woman said in Freedom from Bondage. That when I get what I need I find it’s what I wanted all along.