I think the hardest thing for an alcoholic like me is to have to work with someone whose thoughts are coming out of their mouths all the time and they never listen. Was that me in the beginning? Maybe that’s why my sponsor told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did.
I know that when I came in I never wanted to drink again. And I can never forget I didn’t want to listen to those in here when they talked about the Steps and the spiritual way of life. I thought I knew what to do and others didn’t know what they were talking about. However my sponsor ended that delusion with what he said.
I look back and am amazed that he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Part of that was to keep me going to meetings every day. The other most important suggestion he made to me was to put that Second Step into my life. And that was what began to change me. It was a revolution. I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. What I now know as my Higher Power, the God of my understanding.
He also backed me off on what was filling my mind all of the time. Me. My ego. I saw it in a way that I felt was what I needed to do. However he knew different, as did the rest of those old timers. He told me that I was to leave my thoughts outside the meeting rooms and come in here and begin to learn how to listen. I needed to get an open mind and an open heart if I was going to learn how to stay sober.
And that’s exactly where that Second Step came into play. I had to learn to ask for what I didn’t have. The strength to do as I was being directed. I didn’t have that. My self centered nature owned me. My over sized ego. In fact that’s where I got the help I needed. Those sober men and women knew exactly what was wrong with me and didn’t hesitate to begin ego deflation in depth with me. I remember I got confronted and often slammed like I needed to be. They knew exactly how to burst that massive thing which was me. And I look back and am grateful for all that they did. I know it was the beginning of saving me from a drink and keeping me alive. Often I can tell others what was done or said and laugh at myself along with them.
I have never forgotten that older sober woman who, one night in an overcrowded meeting,
called out to me by name, “If b.s. was electricity you’d be a power plant!” When I tell that to others they often go into hysterics. However I knew exactly how right she was. I know I laughed myself, when she did. In fact that whole room full of people could hardly stop laughing.
I know my sponsor told me that I needed to put a sign on my mirror back then with the words “Don’t lie to me!”. Eventually I grew to know what that was all about. Just like that woman said. I really had no idea of how full of lies my mind was and kept me from being able to realize the truth. Again the Second Step came into the picture. I needed the spiritual life to help give me the strength to begin to open my mind and help me to change. I was totally blind and had no idea.
All this came to mind today when the subject of how we stay sober came up. My thoughts went back almost to the beginning. I had forgotten how sick I was when I came in. It’s easy to sit there and recite the past, but it’s another to actually realize what it was that this drunk dragged through these doors with him. I need to remember why I actually came into this program. It’s one thing to tell others and myself that it was because I was a drunk. An alcoholic. It’s another to really remember how badly alcohol had owned me and nearly killed me.
Anyway it’s a reminder to me that I need to remember why I’m here today. To stay sober and live a sober life and try to practice a spiritual way of life. To put this program into action one day at a time and to help another alcoholic like myself get sober…if I am able. And to be grateful for all I have been given by my Higher Power and all those in here who have reached out and helped me along the way.