One of the things I think of often, especially when I go back to those moments sitting a bar on my last day drinking, is what I saw in that mirror looking back at me then. It was my reflection. The first time I actually saw what I had become. A number of things became clear as I saw that I was a drunken bum. I was a lousy husband and father to my kids. I couldn’t stop drinking no matter what. And I was 42 years old, but only really 14 years old. I was totally immature.
Like I said, there were more things, but that immature part of me is what hit me today. I came into this program with all this junk, but I had never grown up. I mean I had done things adults are supposed to, but inside of me I was an angry, insecure child. I wanted everything done my way. I was an unspoken control freak. I wouldn’t have said any of this back then. Not for a long time later either. Hard to admit. Yet I have heard others say the same thing in here.
The other night I was talking about this, when I referred back to my drinking in bars with my friends and they would suddenly get up and announce they were going home because they were married and had a family. I guess it’s what drove me into my marriage. The thought that if I did this I would be able to grow up. Instead it drove me deeper within myself and almost cemented my immaturity.
After I came into this program this part of me began to emerge clearly to my family and a lot of those in this program and outside in the work I was doing on the jobs I had. And what it was what Bill W. wrote about. Emotional immaturity and our need to grow up emotionally. And that’s what I saw I definitely needed in myself.
Someplace along the line I began to become aware of what was wrong. What I was lacking. My sponsor and those old timers back then began to try to get me to move in the right direction. They’re the ones who made me aware that I needed to begin to get control over the emotions in my life. Fear, anger, resentments, envy, self pity, and the list goes on. They’re the ones who tried to make me aware that I needed to place my intellect over my emotions. To think with my head and not my heart.
I can see all of this came about as I was introduced to the Second Step. The spiritual way of life. My beginning to have faith in my Higher Power and to rely on him for the strength I lacked. To move forward and to begin to do what was necessary to be restored to sanity. To grow along spiritual lines, even if I was unaware of what was happening. I didn’t have to know. It was obvious each time I finally became aware of some of the changes in me.
I began to read and pray about these things. I listened to those who knew about this side of us. Psychiatrists, psychologists, and spiritual writers. I read their warnings on where this stuff could take us, if we didn’t change. Even one doctor pointed out that the only answer was spiritual. And I began to listen and use this program to help me. I even had a spiritual director in my life for a few years after I had been sober for a while.
I’m not sure I will ever grow up into an adult. But I do know that my emotional life has gone through major changes. I’m not saying that this stuff is gone, but it has dramatically changed in me. I can see and have experienced these changes within me. My human side is still there and often can get me back into myself, but the emotions which used to drive and run these is not all that in charge anymore and I am grateful.
I know that the BB takes this stuff on, when it talks about our resentments and how dangerous and deadly they can be to an alcoholic like me. I was certainly made aware of that early on in my sobriety. My first sponsor and another man I knew went back out and drank on resentments and both died very quickly after. That certainly was a wake up call for me. And that’s when my second sponsor and my Higher Power entered into my life.
Anyway I was thinking about this later today when I got home. I wanted to think about these emotions and their effects on an alcoholic like myself. I knew from what my sponsor said about my being responsible after I got sober and came here. He said I wasn’t responsible for those two, but I was responsible for staying sober and working this program.
Hopefully I am doing better. And I know that looking at my life, my sobriety and what I have been doing that I think I am. And I’m not saying I’m taking responsibility for anything more than just trying…imperfectly of course.
Just another sober day for me. And I am grateful.