One of the things I know which gave me trouble over the years was resentments. I don’t know when I became aware of this after I had come into the program. I think I finally knew, when I was doing my second Eighth Step list. I know I was stunned. It pushed me back into Steps Six and Seven. Actually got me back to the Second and Third Steps.
Why all this came up was this past week, when I had a number of people like myself, who talked to me about this. It sure did exactly what I’ve always experienced when I’m asked to talk to another. I always find that I’m the one who is getting the help. I don’t always know how the other person is helped or not. Like I said, know I am. And so it was in these situations.
I know what the BB tells me about resentments. That they cut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit and can lead us back to a drink and death. That’s exactly what happened to two men I knew in here, back early on in my sobriety. Both drank over resentments and both died. That was definitely a wake up call for me.
It’s amazing how these come up. They, I know, are the result of my emotions. Anger and wanting to get even. To get back at someone. I certainly could identify with these people. I’ve been there before. Just like my sponsor and a lot of those old timers, who gave me help with these feelings and emotions.
But the greatest help I got was from the Second Step and my Higher Power. I think I tell this story every opportunity I can get, because of what happened. I made an amend and at the end of it I was suddenly struck with something absolutely amazing. When I walked out of the man’s office and headed for the elevator, suddenly I was made aware that all the resentments in my life were gone. Vanished. I know that if anyone of them walked into the hallway at that moment I wouldn’t have recognized them.
That’s when I knew that I had been restored to sanity. Like the end of the Ninth Step states, we have stopped fighting everyone and everything, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. The spiritual awakening. The insanity of alcohol was gone. I had been placed in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol was concerned.
Around the same time I began to experience the promises in that Ninth Step. A new freedom and a new happiness. Coming to know serenity and peace of mind. And the rest.
I was to learn in here that I was going to have to put my intellect over the emotions. And that was going to have to come about under the guidance and strength of my Higher Power. Every time I would suddenly get hit with the emotion of anger, followed by resentment, I had to try to nip it in the bud and turn it over to the God of my understanding. I had to practice saying a brief prayer I had been practicing for a long time. That would stop the emotions. Sometimes quickly and others after a while. But as long as I continued to try it began to become less and less a problem.
I had to learn how to pray for forgiveness for myself and the other person. The one most apparent at the moment. The real problem I was facing was back many years ago, hidden from me in my unconscious mind. But when I was disturbed my emotions had a long term memory and would come rushing in and take over. Bill W. talks about this in the Eighth Step in the 12&12. And a number of others I have read have gone into more detail.
At the same time I have to step back and put the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step in the 12&12 into practice. Whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. I need to look at what’s wrong with me. Not someone else. I need to follow the concept in the Prayer of St. Francis in the Eleventh Step in the 12&12 that it is by forgiving that I am forgiven.
Anyway, the bottom line is that this is all definitely about staying sober. Exactly what I know I need to do a day at a time, with the help of my Higher Power and all these people in these rooms. I am grateful.