Someone remarked today at our meeting that, after quite a while in this program, they had spent the last year in this program struggling with their ego. My thought about this was, isn’t this what we all find we have to do?
One of the things clear to me is that the longer I stay sober the more I become aware of my humanity as it conflicts with the spiritual life I need to maintain. What amazes me with all of this is how unconscious I am of this. I seem to miss what it is that is building, my ego that is, and then suddenly there it is in my way.
Often I go back and remember that First Step. I totally surrendered to my being powerless over alcohol. No mistake there. I was in bondage to alcohol and couldn’t stop drinking on my own. And then I really had no dispute over my life being unmanageable. It was almost as bad as my drinking.
Then I came in here and discovered I had a disease called alcoholism. I really didn’t know that until I read the Doctor’s Opinion. And later I continued to discover what that was all about. I have a physical disease for which there is no cure and the only solution is spiritual. That is to be restored to sanity. To have a spiritual awakening or experience which will place me in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol is concerned. And the truth is that is what happened to me. I came in here and surrendered and became willing to begin to live a spiritual life.
The problem with all of this is that part of the First Step which deals with my unmanageable life. The mental and emotional human side of me. My ego, which I was told by a very spiritual person was the size of this earth. This I believe was with me from the beginning, long before I took my first drink. And also my immaturity. I just never grew up before I came into this program. I still wonder about that.
I knew from my sponsor and talking to some of those old timers that we are never done with our unmanageable lives. Though I struggle to continue to grow along spiritual lines, that what’s in between me and that kind of life is me. My faults. Usually my emotions. My thinking. My ego wanting to take over and run my life. Even though I start my day to turn it over to my Higher Power, I find I can still trip over myself.
I know that’s part of the reason why my sponsor and others constantly tried to make me aware that there are going to be days when I need to stop and start my day over. I know that’s why the Tenth Step is there to help me deal with my faults. And I know that the Eleventh and Twelfth are there to help me deal with and teach me to begin to control and heal my emotional life through prayer and meditation. And then to get out of myself and my own way by working with others.
And just like today I have to continue to go to meetings to hear what I need to hear to remind me of what it is I need to do to continue to grow along spiritual lines and to stay sober. Not only that, but I need to be reminded that all I have to deal with today is this day. Nothing in the past nor the future. Just right now.
Anyway I was glad that this person reminded me of what is wrong with me and the rest of us. Our over sized egos. The need for ego deflation in depth. I felt that I was going through that today at the meeting. Just a reminder of why I am here. To stay sober and grow along spiritual lines as I began to learn from that Second Step.