The last week was a reminder for me of what I was told by my sponsor. It was something which helped to change my life for the better. Not an overnight event, but the beginning. What he told me was that I was not to take myself seriously. That was a blow to my pride, my ego. And to top it off he added to my not taking myself seriously that I should take what I’m doing seriously. In a sense I felt upside down.
Of course I was to learn that this was part of my ego deflation in depth. But it was also a wake up call for this alcoholic. It was to teach me that I had the cart before the horse. I had things backwards and had no idea. That was one of the beginnings to show me that I really didn’t know that I didn’t know.
Here I was in this program hoping to get sober and stay sober, but what I was doing and wasn’t doing had me totally confused and down in the dumps. I was really bumping into myself in here and going no place. That was because I thought I knew everything and that I knew what to do. I was caught up in almost a total stall in the Steps of this program. In fact I can almost remember when I finally woke up to what I had been told.
I look back and can see myself caught up in my junk. Here I was stumbling over the Third Step. I had finally gotten through the Second Step, now I was faced with the next Step. I had to find out how to turn my will over to the care of the God of my understanding. And I found myself in total confusion trying to intellectualize and analyze God. I can remember how deep I was getting into this pit of junk thinking. And, of course, I was later to discover that I was up to my neck in myself. My taking my own thoughts too seriously and not paying attention to what I should have been doing.
That all came to a crashing end one night at a meeting. We were sitting there and listening to the group discussing the Third Step. A few seats away from me were two women. One the sponsor of the other woman. The woman who was being sponsored leaned over to her sponsor and asked her what God’s will was for her. Her sponsor simply said, “The other nine Steps.”
All of a sudden I found myself back on earth sitting in this meeting and my confused mind at peace. The junk I was going through was gone. I had discovered what I had been doing. I was taking myself too seriously and not taking what I was doing seriously. I was driving through my life in reverse. It’s a wonder I didn’t back out the door of this program.
How easy it was for someone like me to complicate everything, believing myself. Even though I had been told that I didn’t know what I was doing, only thinking I did, I was right back there believing in myself again. Taking myself too seriously and not what I was doing.
I have often thought how wise my old sponsor was. He often knew what I was doing and having warned me not to, he stepped back and let me trip over myself and fall flat on my face. I look back at him and have to think how much I owe him for knowing exactly what to do to wake me up. And of course cut me down to size. I desperately needed that, if I was going to learn how to stay sober.
Anyway, as I was thinking, this came up a few times with others and in a meeting. It’s a reminder to me of how I can find myself bumping into me and stumbling and bumbling. When I find myself taking myself too seriously. Not living a simple sober life. Complicating everything. That’s not what my sponsor and those old timers were trying to tell me. All they wanted me to do was to work this program. To have the humility I was constantly stumbling over, instead of living it. And of course none of this changing happened overnight. Time took time.
I was sitting here and thinking how amazing it is that in spite of myself I learned what I was told. I learned to back off from myself and to do what I needed to do. And the results are amazing when I look at them. I have found a new freedom and a new happiness. Peace of mind and serenity, whenever I’m awake and want it. I’m sober and often amazed at this. Free from alcohol and living a wonderful life. And I owe it all to the God of my understanding and my old sponsor and all those who reached out and helped me in here. I am truly grateful.