Today we were dealing with the tough times fairly new people have in trying to handle their lives. Uneasy to say the least. I know I have been there. And the truth is, having gone through it, it eventually helped. Being able to get through things and come out the other side on a better level. Nice.
However I know that it doesn’t always come out well. Unfortunately people find themselves in a bad place and their thinking makes it worse, let alone their emotions. Often they can end up back out in alcohol.
I know that I had to stop and think about how it was for me. One of the obvious things was what I brought in with me into this program. The insanity, the guilt, the bad habits, bad thinking, and thinking I knew it all. And probably one of those things was my immaturity. Like a child, so to speak. There I was at 42 and immature…and, as my sponsor finished it off…insecure and oversensitive. Described me well.
I don’t think I was too aware of it at the time, but I knew something was getting in my way. Of course it was my immaturity I became aware of over time in here. But it took a long time to accept that. Especially the longer I was sober and the older I got.
I looked back at a lot of the old timers I knew and was struck by the fact that their sense of humor told me a lot about them. They often were like a bunch of kids carrying on. Lots of laughs that was for sure, but nevertheless it was hardly “grown up”. Language, maybe. But I could see myself in the middle at times.
And then the longer I have been in this program and sober I have become more acceptable about this idea that I’m a youngster trying to grow up. I’m less discontented than I thought. It just is what it is. In fact, thinking about the spiritual life, it seems to fit me more than I think. Like the BB and some spiritual writers tell us that we’re not saints. Still human and our faults are going to pop up over and over throughout the rest of our lives.
When I think about that I suddenly realize that most of my faults and defects are perfectly childish. And when I stumble and fall over them I can definitely see, if I’m honest with myself, that I’m still immature to say the least. But that doesn’t worry me so much, as long as I can get control, through my Higher Power, over my emotions. I don’t want to end up in anger and resentments. Definitely dangerous.
That’s why we have this program. The Steps which can help me manage my life where I could not before. Besides I now have the help of my Higher Power. At this point I have to stop and think about that line in the BB, Of myself I am nothing. My Father does the works.
I’ll stop here.
I do think I have grown over time in here. Just am far too younger than my age tells me I am. Doesn’t mean I haven’t changed for the better. I know I have through what I have been able to do with this program and my Higher Power and the help of so many in here who have helped me. On the other hand I believe I have a much better sense of judgment than I had when I came through these doors. I know when problems come up I have to face them and not get pulled down into negative thinking.
None of this happened over night. It has taken time and I know there are still things I need to pay attention to. I’m aware that stuff will always come up because, like I said I have learned, I’m still human. But the tools I need are right there in front of me and all I have to do is pick them up and put them to use…a day at a time.
Enough for now. It’s all about staying sober. Makes me grateful.